4th Life: What Was Saved
by ReavansMask
Summary: As her crew reflects about her impact on their lives in the aftermath of the Reaper War, Ashara Shepard struggles to survive as well as come to terms with what she's lost and what she saved.
1. Retrieval

**So, if you've read Ashara Shepard: The 4th Life: 4th Life is the longest thing I've written, and in many ways my favorite, but the early parts were written when I didn't have nearly as much experience with fan-fiction as I do now. Looking back, there are things in What Was Saved that I was unsatisfied with, either because I feel like I rushed through them to get to Where They Traveled, or because I just could have written better. As a result, I'm doing a new, expanded version that part of the story which will include expansions of existing chapters, the incorporation of some material from By Night into the main story and a few new chapters. Originally, I started just editing the chapters of 4th Life, but it was pointed out to me that that both makes it hard to let people know when new stuff is posted and means anyone who reviewed the 1st time cannot review the new material. As a result, I am making the new What Was Saved its own story.  
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**If you haven't read 4th Life, ignore all of that. Just enjoy this story about the aftermath of the Reaper War featuring Ashara Shepard, Liara T'Soni, and friends.**

* * *

><p>She's back in the forest, the same one she's been walking through since the day the Reapers came for Earth. It's always been burning, but now, the fire has consumed everything, leaving her with nothing but ashes. Ashes and mist and her, lying on the ground, listening to the voices that hang in the air like smoke.<p>

"_Come on, Ashara, it's time to go to sleep."_

"_It's the right choice and you know it, Commander_."

"_Someone else might have gotten it wrong_."

"_You did good, child_."

Everyone that she's lost is there, calling to her: her family, her friends, her comrades. They're telling her that she's finally done. For so long, she's had to keep fighting. She's seen more of war than she could have imagined and stopping has never been an option. When the galaxy needed her, she answered the call. Somehow, she even prevailed. But now the Reapers are destroyed and it feels like it would be so easy to just lie down and rest. She could forget all the pain, the loss, the terrible choices she's had to make to get to this point.

But then there's another voice, soft and loving, pleading with her.

"_I'm yours. Please, come back to me."_

She can't sleep just yet. The galaxy may be done with Commander Shepard, but Liara still needs her. A hand reaches out from the mist and the battered woman fights back the fatigue pulling at her soul to take it. Her pale fingers grasp Liara's blue ones and with every drop of strength she has left, she rises.

* * *

><p>Ashara Shepard awakens with a start, her pale green eyes flying open as the Spectre's lungs suck in an agonizing breath. She's trapped, buried beneath a tumble of girders and cables on what she suddenly remembers are the remains of the Citadel. She's lucky she's not dead already from the Crucible's blast, but the wreckage is too heavy for her to move by hand, at least in her current condition.<p>

Short of the time she died, this is the worst she's ever been hurt. Through the pain, Shepard tries her best to catalogue her injuries: throbbing in the blasted flesh of one leg, burns on her torso, labored breathing from cracked ribs, and a weakness she's pretty sure is blood loss caused by a multitude of cuts and punctures.

No, if she's going to get free of the debris before it crushes her, it will have to be with biotics. Since Harbinger's attack, she hasn't been able to use them, but now there's no other way. Either Ashara does this or she dies here and leaves Liara alone. She promised the asari once that she'd fight with everything she had to come back to her, and reaching deep within herself, Shepard finds the last sparks of her power, fanning them to life as best she can.

She screams, a burst of energy she barely believed she had left in her erupting forth to blast the rubble clear. The commander staggers free of what remains of the debris, crawling to the nearest patch of clear ground she can find. Her hand goes to her com-link, but when it comes on, there's an ominous crackle of static.

"This is Shepard," she forces out, her throat parched and raw. "Is… anyone there? I need…I need extraction..." She tries to continue, but the escape has sapped whatever strength she had left and as she slumps back down on the deck, darkness takes her once more.

* * *

><p>"Sir, we have an incoming distress call."<p>

Steven Hackett looks across the bridge of his flagship, the _Salamis_, frowning at Lt. Duran. "Another one? Where is it from?"

It's been days since the Reapers were destroyed and although the admiral is assured by his technical experts that the Mass Relays can be repaired from the damage the Crucible did to them, it will take weeks to complete the work. Until then, the situation in the Sol System remains a mess. Hundreds of millions of people are still in desperate straits on Earth, and all of the fleets that didn't jump out in time are stranded here too, a logistical nightmare, the management of which keeps him exceedingly busy, even without these new problems that keep cropping up.

"Sir, it's coming from the Citadel."

The lieutenant sounds shocked at his own news and Hackett can hardly blame him. Nobody's supposed to be alive on the station. "What's the message?"

"I don't know, sir. There's only static on the line. I'll try to boost the signal." The junior officer's fingers fly across the console, but a few seconds later, he shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Admiral. We lost the call."

"Did it have a transponder code?"

The lieutenant types in a command and a name appears on his screen. "Yes, sir." There's a slight hitch in his voice. "It belongs to Commander Shepard."

"Get rescue teams over there," he snaps, "On the double."

"Sir," Lt. Duran protests, "The Citadel is completely FUBARed. The initial survey team found nothing but debris and bodies. We still don't know if the whole station will collapse on their heads at any moment and I was only able to get an approximate location on the origin of the call."

"Damn it, I know that Lieutenant. But this is Shepard we're talking about. If there's any chance we can find her alive, we have to take it."

* * *

><p>Hackett paces back and forth across the bridge, looking out at the shattered husk of the Citadel that fills the sky in front of him. It's been over three hours since the admiral put out the call for volunteers to search for Shepard and despite the overwhelming response from every one of the assembled species present at Earth, there's still been no word. He's not a man normally prone to impatience, but every minute that goes by reduces the chances that the Spectre will be found alive and that thought is hard for him to bear.<p>

He asked too much of her. In his desperation, he pushed the commander harder than anyone should be pushed and though he knew that was what the war demanded, it was heartbreaking to watch the best soldier he'd ever met being buried by the weight of his and everyone else's expectations. And she still did it. Somehow, the woman saved them all and she deserves better than to die alone on that wreck of a station.

"We've got something." The sound of an incoming call breaks in over his thoughts, and Hackett sees from the identification code that it's one of the turian search teams reporting in.

"Is it Shepard?", he asks, unable to hide his hope and his fear.

There's a few seconds of silence, and then the turian sergeant responds. "It is."

"What's her condition?"

Another difficult pause. "She's alive. Her injuries are extensive, but she's still breathing. We're bring up the stretcher now."

"Great work," he tells the turian, mentally exhaling at last. "Send me your exact coordinates and I'll have a medical shuttle standing by at the nearest docking bay. Just be careful with her," he adds, probably unnecessarily. Every knows what Shepard's done and what she means, but he still can't help saying the words.

He places one call to arrange the shuttle and a second one to the medical frigate _Pasteur_ to let them know Shepard is on the way. He could have somebody else make the notifications of course, but it feels right to do it himself. He was the one who sent her out to face death all those times; the least he can do is help bring her home now.

With the arrangements made, there's nothing to do but wait once more, but before that wait can begin in earnest, his private line beeps with an incoming call from a blocked source. He opens the connection on his terminal and much to his surprise, the face at the other end of the line is one her recognizes, albeit only from her Alliance dossiers.

"Miranda Lawson?", he asks the gorgeous brunette. "How did you get this number?"

"I have my ways, Admiral," she tells him cryptically. "We don't have a lot of time so I'll be brief. You need to let me assist with Shepard's treatment."

"You know that she's alive?" That news hasn't been made public yet, not until they know if the commander's going to make it.

"As I said, I have my ways." He suspects that means taps on high-level Alliance communications channels, but he decides not to press the issue just now. "I know what you must think of my past," the operative tells him, "But trust me: I can help. I led the team that brought Shepard back after the Collector attack. Her medical profile is rather unique at this point and no one knows it better than me."

Hackett considers her words carefully. He is indeed familiar with some of the less savory details of Ms. Lawson's work history. As one of Cerberus' top operatives, she's been linked to a variety of subversive activities, up to and including assassinations and other wet work. When she first landed in Alliance custody after Shepard rescued her on Sanctuary, his inclination was to lock her up in the most secure facility they had available.

The commander had convinced him otherwise. She believed Miranda had changed, and if the last three years have taught him anything, it's to trust her judgment. He might as well do it one more time. "All right," he tells the operative. "Shepard's being taken to the medical frigate _Pasteur_, though I suspect you know that already. I'll arrange the necessary clearances for you. And Miranda," he adds, "The entire galaxy is counting on you to get this right. We owe Shepard a great deal."

"As do I, Admiral," Miranda tells him, her voice surprisingly affectionate but also confident. "She won't die."


	2. The Call

For what feels like the hundredth time, Liara plays the recording.

"Shepard? Commander?" Hackett sounds worried, not just for the Spectre but for the fleet that's being destroyed by the Reapers, and for the galaxy that will be lost if she fails.

"I… uh… what do you need me to do?" Liara can hear the pain behind each word that Ashara forces out, the commander's hurt echoing in her own gut.

"Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing. It's got to be something on your end." As Hackett speaks, Liara hears Shepard stumble, groaning in pain. The Admiral notices it too. "Commander Shepard!"

"I don't see… Not sure how to…" Goddess, she's never heard Shepard like this before: weak, confused, reeling, her body betraying her even as she refuses to give up.

"Commander!"

With Hackett's final shout of dismay, the recording ends, leaving Liara's eyes full of tears. Those are the last words anyone heard from Ashara Shepard before the Crucible fired, the last words that Liara will probably ever…

A sob wracks the asari's body and she turns away from her terminal, burying her face in her hands. She knows that something else must have happened after the message ended. The Crucible did work. The Reapers were destroyed. In spite of the disorientation and pain in the recording Admiral Hackett sent her, Shepard found a way to finish her mission. And so Liara listens to it over and over again, trying to find some clue, some reason not to lose hope. Instead, each time it just breaks her heart anew without leaving the asari any closer to the truth.

Unfortunately, it's all she has. The Shadow Broker network is useless for now. Most galactic communications are based on the Mass Relay network and until it's repaired, only the few quantum entanglement communicators in existence still function and they have not brought her peace.

When she and the rest of the crew first survived crashing on this uncharted world, Liara had been so full of hope. The war was over and once they made their way back to Earth, she and Shepard could finally have the peace they had fought so long to win. Once the _Normandy_ made contact with the rest of fleet in the Sol System, though, those hopes had started to erode.

Not only had the relays had been damaged by the Crucible, there had been a massive explosion aboard the Citadel when it was fired. The teams that went there afterwards had found no sign of Shepard, only a ruin filled with corpses and rubble.

And yet she cannot give up on Ashara. Not after all the times that her commander has defied the odds to save the galaxy. Surely she has one more miracle in store, this one just for Liara.

Drying her eyes, the asari shrugs off her thin, red robe and begins donning her customary white and blue outfit. There's a moment when she changes that she can almost feel Shepard's pale green eyes on her, admiring her bare skin. Every time the door to her office opens, she half-expects to see Ashara standing in the entrance, come by to share a story and a kiss, to brighten the asari's day no matter its troubles.

As bad as it is in her quarters sometimes, she knows that staying in Ashara's cabin would be worse. The weight of the memories they made there would overwhelm her and she can't afford that. No matter what happened to her bondmate, this is Shepard's crew, and Liara has a responsibility to help them get home.

* * *

><p>The elevator doors open and as Liara steps off, the communication specialist is greeted with a wane smile and the asari's best attempt at a cheerful, "Samantha."<p>

Sam smiles back. Liara has always been friendly to her in spite of the specialist's rather embarrassingly obvious crush on Shepard. It wasn't anything she'd acted on, not with how head-over-heels the commander's always been for Liara, but she can't believe her attraction went unnoticed.

"Is there any word from Earth?"

"I'm sorry, Doctor," Samantha replies sadly, knowing what it is that Liara's really asking her. This is becoming their ritual, the futile question, the apologetic answer. "There's no news on Shepard, just more updates on the relay repairs."

Liara replies as she always does, "You will let me know if we do hear anything."

"Of course," Sam assures her, but though the specialist tries to give Liara a comforting look as she turns to leave, she worries that it's not very convincing.

The asari walks away in the direction of the war room, and as she goes, Sam feels a stab of pain in her heart. When the Reapers attacked, she'd been in way over her head, a virtual civilian caught in the middle of the worst war in history. Shepard had made her feel like she could do this, that she was a valuable member of the team. Sam may have accepted that the commander would never be her lover, but she was proud to call her a friend. To think that Shepard died, unable to enjoy the victory she did more than anyone to win not only grieves Samantha, it offends her deeply held sense of fair play. Winners should get to celebrate.

* * *

><p>When Liara takes her seat in the war room for the daily meeting, the rest of the senior crew members are already waiting for her: Garrus, Tali, Doctor Chakwas, and Ashley, the other Spectre commanding the <em>Normandy<em> in Shepard's absence. No one chastises Liara for her lateness, but the Shadow Broker can see the concern in their looks at her appearance. She can't blame them: underfed, under-slept, her eyes red from crying: she hardly looks her best. It's just so hard to make herself care.

Mercifully, before anyone can offer a comment, Ashley starts the meeting. "All right everyone," she tells the crew, "I need status reports. Tali, how are we doing with the repairs?"

"The _Normandy_ should be ready to fly in a few days," the quarian informs her. "Repairs on the primary stabilizers are finished and even though we're still missing a few parts for the drive core, I think I can patch something together that will hold until we get back to dry dock."

"You're a miracle worker. What about the relay?"

The engineer shrugs. "I don't know. Some of the other ships have started surveying it and the damage isn't that bad, but no one's ever had to fix one of those before."

"All right" Ashley nods. "I'll have Traynor send you the latest reports from Earth. She says they're making progress on the Sol Relay, so hopefully there's some something we can use." She turns to Garrus. "What's the supply situation? Is the stream by the crash site going to work if we're stuck here for a while?"

"Yeah, it's pure enough for us to drink," the turian tells Ashley. "A bunch of the plants are edible too, so you won't starve. We can't replenish the dextro rations unfortunately, but since it's just Tali and me eating those, we should be okay for a few months."

"Well, then let's just hope it doesn't take any longer than that to finish the repairs to the relay. Doctor, any new news on the medical front?"

"Lt. Donelly's broken leg is mostly healed, and he should be fit to return to duty in a few days, which means we'll be back to full strength." She pauses. "In theory. It's not the crew's physical health that's worrying me right now. We've all been pushed to our limits over the last few months, and now that the fighting is over, I think the losses we've suffered are finally starting to hit home. You know my concerns about Joker…"

"I do," Ashley replies grimly. "I've tried ordering him to take a break. I mean, we hardly need a pilot right now, but he still just sits in that chair all day."

Wishing that EDI was there next to him, Liara thinks. The same Crucible blast that saved them from the Reapers also wiped out the ship's AI, crushing the already fragile pilot's spirits. If there's any crew member more distraught than Liara, it's Joker. He's been with Shepard longer than anyone but Doctor Chakwas, and these last losses combined with presumed death of his family on Tiptree have left him a shell of his former, sarcastic self

"It's not just him though," the doctor continues. "Everyone has lost people in this war. And especially with Shepard gone, they need closure."

"No," Liara blurts out, furious at the doctor's implication. "You cannot mean that. We cannot put her name up on that wall."

"Liara," Garrus says calmly, "I don't want to think the worst either, but it's been days with no word from her. We know from that recording that Shepard was badly hurt and then there was the explosion on the Citadel… We have to be realistic about the odds."

"How can you say that Garrus?!", the asari demands, more tears that she can't hold back filling her eyes. "She was your friend. All of your friends. How can you just…" Unable to continue, she buries her face in her hands, choking on a river of hurt and doubt.

"Everybody else out," Ashley orders, the strong timbre she'll need if she's going to command the _Normandy_ clear in her voice. As the room empties, the Spectre sits down in the chair next to Liara and puts her arm around the asari's shoulder. She's not Shepard but the strength in her embrace and the human smell of the woman reminds Liara of her lost love and it's all she can do to speak again.

"I am so sorry, Ashley," she manages, "I didn't mean to make a spectacle of myself."

"Don't worry about it." The Spectre rubs her shoulder affectionately. "I can't believe that she's gone either. She taught me so much. Before I met her, I was just a dumb grunt stuck in a dead end posting…"

"We don't know that she's dead," Liara insists. "I know that things look bad but they have before. Perhaps she is just injured, waiting for someone to find her." For a wild moment, she pictures herself and Ashara joking together about this. They will sit together in her cabin, Liara's head resting against her bondmate's chest, and laugh that people thought that Commander Shepard could die so easily. Despite herself, Liara's eyes are starting to tear up again. Even she has to admit that it sounds implausible.

Ashley shakes her head sadly. "Until I know this sure uncertainty, I'll entertain the offered fallacy."

"I'm not sure what that means," Liara says. Sometimes, Ashley's poetry taxes the ability of her translator to make sense of it.

"It means that you may believe that, but I can't count on it being true. The skipper meant so much to us and I have to think about the rest of the crew. It's going to be a lot of hard work to get back home, and to do it, they need to grieve and move on. We already put EDI up there, but Shepard and Anderson… We can't keep waiting and hoping."

Liara's shoulders slump, her anger replaced with a bone-deep weariness. She's still not convinced that Ashara is gone, but she can't argue with Ashley's logic any more. "I will do it then."

"You don't have to," Ashley offers her. "I'm the captain now. It's my responsibility."

"No, it should be me. She was my bondmate." The thought pains Liara more than she can say, but she can't imagine letting someone else do this for her Ashara. "I will prepare the nameplates."

* * *

><p>Sitting in front of her desk, Liara rubs her eyes as she forces herself to look at the plate in front of her. She still can't believe that Shepard is gone and putting her name up on the wall feels like a surrender of what little hope she has left. These days of waiting have stripped her emotional defenses down to the bone, and in spite of her brave words to Ashley, she's not sure she can make it through this ceremony without breaking down once more.<p>

Years ago, she told Shepard that, because of their long lives, asari prepared themselves to accept the death of a partner. To lose Ashara though, and especially to lose her like this, it's different.

She'd immediately been attracted to the daring Spectre who saved her on Therum, a crush that grew first a into tentative relationship and then an ever-deeper love, but though Ashara has had her heart for three long years, they've only had a precious handful of months together during that time. The destruction of first _Normandy_, her hunt for the Shadow Broker, Shepard's detention by the Alliance: to have finally reached the end of all those troubles and have Ashara be gone is beyond horrible.

Lost in her grief, the archeologist barely notices as her terminal starts beeping, and when she finally answers the message, her voice is tight. "Samantha, what is it?"

Sam sounds uncomfortable. She knows that the ceremony will be soon and she's clearly sorry to have interrupted Liara at a time like this. "Miranda Lawson's calling. She says she needs to talk to you."

"Tell her that this is not really the best time." The former operative may have been Shepard's friend, but Liara barely knows her and she isn't up to talking to the woman right now.

"She said... she said you would want the call."

"Very well." Shepard, she realizes suddenly. It has to be about Shepard. As Miranda's voice crackles into existence, the asari finds herself terrified to hear what will come next.

"Liara." Miranda's voice is as superficially as measured as ever, but beneath the surface, the information broker can hear a slight undercurrent of emotion. "I thought you should be the first one to hear this. We found Shepard."

The Shadow Broker gasps. She feels light-headed, like all the air is being sucked out of the room, but then Miranda continues and Liara's whole world changes. "She's alive. She's pretty badly injured, but we've stabilized her condition. She's going to make it."

In that moment, Liara's overwhelmed as the tiny bit of hope that had been left inside her expands in a single instant to fill her whole being. She tries to reply, but as questions, gratitude, and happiness all try to get out at the same time, the best that she can manage is a stammer. Miranda just waits, saying nothing while Liara steadies herself, and after a minute, the asari's brain is able to form a vaguely coherent question once again.

"How, how bad is it?"

"Not as dire as after the Collector attack but still serious. A pile of cuts and fractures, moderate burns, a fair amount of blood loss… it'll be a while before she's up and about, but there isn't anything that shouldn't eventually heal with proper treatment."

Liara manages to restore some vague calm to her voice. "How long will that take?"

"Physically, a few weeks perhaps. The only thing is, she's still unconscious. There's no obvious evidence of major neurological damage, but we have no idea what happened to her on the Citadel, and because of her interactions with the Prothean beacons, it's very hard to get accurate readings of her brain."

"I see. Please send me copies of all of her medical records."

"Of course. And Liara, don't worry; I'll take excellent care of her."

Unlike the last time Miranda told her something like that, when Liara gave the operative Shepard's body three years ago, she trusts the brunette to keep her promise. "Thank you, Miranda. I should allow you to get back to work."

Once she's off the line, the calm front that Liara had mustered collapses. As she falls on the small bed in her quarters, the sheer force of her emotions overpowers her, tears of relief flowing freely down her face. To have come so close, again, to losing Ashara and now to know that she's alive… for several minutes, she doesn't even try to do anything else; she just lets herself have this moment.

She's not sure how much time passes before she gets up, but when she does, the Shadow Broker dries her eyes and calms her thoughts. This isn't over; there's a great deal of work to be done before she can get back to her bondmate, and Shepard will need her to stay focused. First, though, the crew will have to be informed. Going back to her terminal, she calls Samantha and tells her that she's ready for the ceremony.

* * *

><p>Liara stands in front of the memorial wall, looking at Admiral Anderson's name now placed in its center. It's fitting, she thinks. Anderson had been the original captain of the first <em>Normandy<em>, and now he will be the final name memorialized here on the second one. She steps forward, her gaze moving down to the nameplate in her hands.

"Commander Shepard." Not Ashara. Just Commander Shepard. That's how the galaxy will remember her. But her bondmate isn't going into the history books just yet. Her breath hitches at the thought of just how close she had come to giving up hope, but then she lets a small smile appear on her dark blue lips and she turns to face the rest of Shepard's crew.

Garrus says gently, "I can do it."

"Thank you, Garrus but there is no need. Shepard is alive."

Everyone else stares at her and from their expressions, she can tell that some of them think that she's gone mad with grief, but then Samantha speaks up. "There was a call earlier. From Miranda Lawson."

"She told me they have found Shepard," Liara explains, "She's injured, but she's going to survive."

There was more she had thought she would say, but when the crew hears those words, it's pandemonium. Ashley throws her arms around Liara, Garrus and Tali are hugging each other, Sam and Doctor Chakwas… everyone seems caught up in the moment. Even Javik looks pleased, a small smile appearing on his grey lips as he watches the "primitives" celebrate. Only Joker holds back, his grief too deep to be fixed even by this blessing.

Somewhere in the celebration, Garrus finds her, the turian looking as if an immense weight has been lifted from his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Liara," he tells her, "About what I said before. I shouldn't have given up hope."

"Do not blame yourself. It wasn't reasonable to think that she was alive."

"I still should have known better," he laughs, his mandibles twitching with newly-rediscovered good humor. "When did reasonable ever stop Shepard?"


	3. Visitors

"How is she doing, Miss Lawson?"

Miranda doesn't turn to face Admiral Hackett, her gaze remaining on her patient as she considers the question. In spite of Shepard's bandages and skin grafts, she still looks far better than the last time the former Cerberus operative saw her like this. The body in Miranda's lab at the beginning of the Lazarus Project had barely been recognizable as belonging to the first human Spectre. Apart from her head, most of Shepard had seemed more like meat than a living person and thankfully, this time it wasn't nearly that bad.

"She's comfortable, Admiral," Miranda finally tells Hackett. "Physically, she should recover fully given enough time."

"What about mentally? Why hasn't she woken up yet?"

"I'm not sure," the operative admits. "The only useful piece of information we've been able to glean is that shortly before we found her, Shepard used her biotics, probably to free herself from the debris. In her weakened condition, that strain would have had adverse effects on her nervous system, but it's still too soon to be sure just how serious they are."

The old admiral nods, and Miranda can tell from the way he's looking at Shepard that his concern comes from more than just a detached professionalism. He's hardly the only one. Even aside from the debt she and everyone else owes to Shepard, Miranda hardly has enough friends to lose any now.

"So, Lawson," Hackett asks after a long moment, "How exactly did Shepard convince you to defect from Cerberus anyway? The files are a little unclear on that point."

"She helped me with a personal matter," the operative replies simply, but then she decides to add, "She can be quite persuasive."

That elicits a smile from the admiral. "That she can. When she first started warning us about the Reapers, it sounded far-fetched. Ancient machines that periodically exterminated all organic life? Highly unlikely to say the least. But she convinced me." He chuckles, "She also convinced me not to lock you up."

"I suppose it's just one more thing I owe her for."

He pats her on the shoulder. "I think you're paying it back just fine, Miss Lawson."

The Admiral turns to leave Shepard's hospital room and Miranda looks once more at her patient. She didn't always have such fond feelings for the lovely Spectre. The operative can still remember one night, soon after Shepard woke up on the Lazarus Station, venting her frustrations to Jacob.

* * *

><p>"<em>She believes that she's always right," she complained. "She ignores protocol. She has no respect for this organization or its goals." Jacob just sat across from her in the ship's dining hall, his face impassive, while Miranda continued, "And it wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so bloody capable. She's barely been back two weeks and she's still a better fighter and a stronger biotic than me…"<em>

_ She had more to say, but before she could get to it, Jacob burst into a rare laugh._

"_What's so damn funny!?", the operative demanded._

_ Jacob smiled a wry smile. "Now you know how most people feel about you."_

_Miranda shook her head, her annoyance temporarily deflated. "I suppose you may have a point."_

"_Besides, whatever her flaws, look at what she's done with that krogan from Okeer's tank, and even Jack," Jacob insisted. "They're not exactly the easiest personalities to deal with, and inside of a week, she's already got them fighting as a proper team."_

_ "Grunt I'll grant you may work out," Miranda replied grudgingly, "But Jack? That woman is hopeless."_

_ "You may be right, but I still think you should give Shepard a chance."_

* * *

><p>She'd decided to take her old comrade's advice and on Ilium, the Spectre had amply repaid Miranda's faith in her. It wasn't just that Shepard had helped Miranda protect her sister that helped convince the operative to leave Cerberus, it was how she'd done it.<p>

Until she met Shepard, Miranda had looked at social interactions as being fundamentally transactional. Everyone wanted something from you, whether it was money, sex, or control, and working with people involved figuring out an agreeable trade. Niket had been an exception of course, but his brand of charity wasn't something she'd expected to encounter. That was why when she'd asked for Shepard's help in safeguarding Oriana, she'd thought she'd have to bargain for it. But while Illusive Man's favors had always come with strings attached, the commander had proven to be different. She'd agreed without hesitation or thought of recompense, and the contrast had started to open her eyes.

On one level, Miranda had joined Cerberus because it could protect her and her sister, but there was more to it than that. When she'd run away from home, she'd given up the purpose she'd been created for and the Illusive Man had been very good at filling that void. Shepard had shown her that she had other choices, that she could not only have co-workers but friends.

The operative walks over to the hospital bed, brushing an affectionate hand over Shepard's pale face. "Rest well. You've earned it."

"She probably just doesn't want to have to wake up and talk to you again, cheerleader."

Miranda whirls as she hears the familiar and yet unwelcome voice coming from behind her. Standing in the doorway is Jack, the biotic clad in the same studded leather jacket had on at Shepard's party on the Citadel, both the garment and its owner looking perhaps worse for the wear but still largely intact.

"What're you doing here?", the operative ask, her voice testy. Shepard may have gotten them to fight on the same side, but Jack still knows how to ride her last nerve.

The convict seems non-pulsed by Miranda's irritation. "What'd you mean? It's visiting hours, right? I just saw Hackett leaving."

"I suppose I didn't expect to see you here."

"You didn't think I cared?", Jack snorts. "Well, fuck you. You aren't the only pain in the ass Shepard took a chance on."

A part of her realizes that the convict is right, that whatever they feel about each other, they both do care for Shepard. Still, that's no excuse for the biotic's remarks. "Must you always be so vulgar about these things, Jack?"

"Hey, it's part of my charm," the convict tells her, a shit-eating grin covering her face.

"Some charm," Miranda snaps before thinking better of her attitude. Jack may be insufferable, but she was also part of Shepard's crew. For her commander's sake, Miranda can make an effort to be civil, at least today, and she adds, "But I know Shepard would be glad you came to see her."

Perhaps Jack shares her realization because the convict backs off as well, just nodding and turning her attention to the unconscious Spectre. "She really does have a fucking knack for taking a beating and coming out the other side, doesn't she?"

"She does," the operative agrees. "We all got to take missions off, but she just went out, one battle after another, never asking for a break."

"And look where it got her," Jack says bitterly. "The galaxy sucks. Get better soon, Shep," she adds to the sleeping commander. "The galaxy owes you about a million drinks and we all want to share them with you."

* * *

><p>She finds Garrus in the starboard observation longue, looking out the window at the Mass Relay. All around the massive structure, ships are buzzing about, shuttlecraft and other small vessels delivering the technicians working feverishly to repair their way back to Earth or wherever else they call home.<p>

"Quite a sight, isn't it?", the turian says as Liara walks up alongside him. "All these species working together. One little galactic war and everyone forgets how much they used to hate each other."

"I know Shepard would be glad to see it," Liara agrees, a note of sadness in the beautiful asari's voice. "I wish that she could."

"Is there any more news from Miranda?", Garrus asks. It's been a week since the call came from the operative revealing Shepard's survival and now that the initial euphoria has passed, everyone is starting to be a little worried that the commander hasn't woken up yet.

"No," Liara says wearily, "She is much the same as before. Alive but unconscious. Miranda worries that perhaps she does not want to wake up."

"She's probably just afraid the brass will send her back out on another mission," Garrus quips, trying to get a laugh from his worried friend, but the asari's reaction is far from humorous.

"They won't," she says emphatically, "We will not let them. She needs to rest."

"I agree," Garrus tells the Shadow Broker, "But they may still need her. Things are pretty bad out there. The Reapers tore the galaxy up and if we don't manage the aftermath carefully, it could end up leading to another war, like with the krogan after the Rachni Wars."

"Then let her be a diplomat," Liara replies firmly, "I know she will want to help. But the rest… Goddess, she was so tired of the death. I won't let the galaxy do it to her again."

He can hear the pain and worry in her voice and Garrus wonders if he'd be hurting like this if it was Tali in a coma. He'd be upset of course, but when they thought the commander was dead, Liara had been completely devastated and he doesn't know If he'd feel quite like that. It's probably too early in their relationship to say, and rather than worry about it, he puts a long arm around his old friend. "It sounds like it isn't just Shepard who's tired. I know all these scares with her have taken a toll."

"They have," she admits, resting her head against the turian's shoulder. "I just wish that we could be back there with her sooner. I feel so useless right now. My information network is still down and none of my education is much use in repairing this relay."

"I know what you mean," Garrus concurs looking back out the window. "That, there, is one thing I have no idea how to calibrate," before adding, "Tali's really in her element though. She and the rest of the engineers will get it fixed. I guarantee it."

"You're probably right," Liara concedes. "The waiting is just so difficult." She takes a deep breath before changing the subject to something happier. "I am happy for you and Tali. I will admit that I didn't realize you were interested in each other in that way until Shepard told me about it."

"Yeah, it was pretty sudden," the turian agrees. "Although honestly, we've barely had time to think about our relationship with the war and the crash and everything else that's happened since then."

"Hopefully, soon you will. Shepard and I aren't the only ones who deserve a break from all of this."

Garrus laughs. "I think it's fair at this point to say we all deserve one."


	4. Heading Back

The double doors slide open and at the familiar sight in front of her, Liara's breath catches in her throat. Ashara's quarters look just as they did the last time the asari was there, the morning of their attack on Cronos Station. The war prevented the two of them from having all the nights together they might have wanted, but even still, Liara's spent plenty of time here over these last few months and as she begins her search, the Shadow Broker has a pretty good idea of where to find what she's looking for.

Ashara always keeps her cabin neat, her ingrained habits of military fastidiousness contrasting with Liara's tendency to leave papers and data pads scattered about her office. Everything is in its place, making it easy for the asari to gather up all the items she thinks Ashara might need: toiletries, a back-up omni-tool, some underwear, a clean uniform, a set of N-7 sweats her lover likes to wear as pajamas.

As she finishes stuffing the clothes into a duffel bag, Liara pauses in front of the display holding Shepard's model ships. She remembers the first time she noticed them, on the first night that she'd set foot in this cabin at all. They had just defeated the Shadow Broker, and when Ashara invited her back to the _Normandy_ that evening, Liara's heart had started tying itself into knots.

Even after the affection Shepard had showed her on the Broker's ship, Liara had been afraid that their chance had passed; that death, and change, and the surety of more separations to come might prove too much for them to overcome. She needn't have worried. Shepard's feelings for her were as strong as ever and after the commander had helped Liara to work through her fears, the two of them had fallen into each other's arms, the years apart melting away as they'd spent the rest of the evening making love.

Afterwards, in spite of their exhaustion, they'd stayed up for hours more, just talking. They both knew that in the morning, Liara would go back to her ship, and Shepard back to her mission, and neither of them was ready for their night to be over just yet.

* * *

><p><em>"I didn't realize you collected such things," the asari told her lover, gesturing in the direction of the glass display case at the center of the cabin.<em>

_ "Oh, the ships," Ashara laughed, but as she continued, the Spectre got a wistful look in her pale green eyes. "I used to play with them when I was little. When you tell people from Earth that you grew up on a colony world, they always think you've gone all across the galaxy, but Mindoir was very provincial. I'd never even been off-planet until after the batarian attack…" She paused, clearly trying not to dwell on bad memories. "I always wanted to see the stars though, and the models helped me to dream."_

_ Liara nuzzled closer to her commander, pressing her crest against Shepard's bare chest. She'd missed all these little details so much: the scent of her lover, the feel of her slick, sweaty skin against her own body, the way that little strands of Ashara's dirty blonde hair would brush lightly across face her when the Spectre held her. "I did not know that. You never had any of them in your old cabin."_

_ "They were destroyed in the raid and afterwards, they seemed childish I guess, just another part of the past I was trying to put behind me." She sighed, moving from one grief to another. "When I took over this ship though, the one of the SR-2 was already up there in the case, and, I don't know…. I was in a pretty bad place. I'd lost my crew, I was working with these damn terrorists, you were gone, and I guess they reminded me of a happier time." She smiled, a better thought breaking through her pain. "Kind of like that picture of you on my desk."_

_Ashara kissed the back of her crest tenderly, and Liara marveled at the vulnerability she was being shown. As close as they'd been before Shepard died, the commander had always tried to be the strong one, someone that an inexperienced archeologist could put her faith in. When they'd joined tonight, though, she'd seen the loneliness and hurt in her commander's mind, and that Ashara trusted Liara enough to share them with her touched the asari more than she could say._

* * *

><p>A small smile forms on the Shadow Broker's lips as she turns away from the display case and zips up the bag. There's a solace in her memory of that night, one of the most wonderful of her life. She'd waited two long years for it to arrive, but when it finally did, the hardships that she'd endured along the way didn't seem to matter so much any more.<p>

This time will be even better, Liara promises herself. When she and Shepard had reunited after Hagalaz, it was only for a brief time, but now, things can be different. Their battles are won, and if Ashara wakes up, they can begin a new life together. When she wakes up, the asari corrects herself. They've come too far for her to believe anything else.

* * *

><p>"Is this everyone?"<p>

Ashley nods her head at Tali's question. "Almost." It's not for lack of interest that the group is small. The whole crew wants to come along to see their commander, but the last thing the _Pasteur_ needs is a crowd, and so Ashley decided to keep the first shuttle trip limited to the core of people who've been with Shepard since the beginning, more or less: herself, Garrus, Tali, Doctor Chakwas, and of course Liara. Joker was invited too, but he gave his spot to Vega, the despondent pilot saying he'd go later.

"Of course, that assumes the relay works right," Garrus comments dryly, "As opposed to sending us into the middle of a star or dark space."

"The tests were very promising," Tali reassures her new boyfriend, "And besides, the salarians are sending through a shuttle on auto-pilot before any real ships try to use it."

"We should know if it made it back to Earth in one piece in a few minutes," Ashley adds. While she has confidence in her quarian friend's skills, the pessimist in her can't help but wonder if they're not heading for a major anti-climax. "Then we can go."

"At least once Liara gets here," Garrus points out. "Where is our favorite Shadow Broker anyway?"

"Just getting some things together Shepard might need when she's up and about," Doctor Chakwas informs the turian.

When, not if. That's what the doctor's been telling the crew, but Ashley wonders what she's been telling herself. Over the last few days, Miranda has reported flickers of awareness on the commander's part, but after nearly three weeks of unconsciousness, the operative is also starting to get worried that there isn't more progress. Shepard doesn't seem to have any permanent brain damage, but neurology apparently isn't an exact science to begin with, and after those damn beacons messed with her head, the skipper is an especially tricky case.

Ashley suspects everyone else is worried about the same thing, because a hush settles over the shuttle bay at the mention of Shepard's condition and it's Vega, who's been perhaps the most pessimistic of the squad, who first breaks the silence. "It would've been a hell of an exit."

"You stupid bosh'tet." Tali smacks the muscled marine on the shoulder. "Don't let Liara hear you say things like that."

"I wouldn't," James reassures her. "I ain't loco... Look, I care about Shepard too, but if she's not going to wake up, a marine should go out in a blaze of glory, not end up stuck on life support like some vegetal."

"She's a soldier, all right," Garrus tells Vega, "And no soldier could ask for a better exit than taking down the Reapers. But come on. This is Shepard we're talking about. She's been through more kinds of hell than even we can imagine. She came back from the dead, for Spirits sake. She'll make it through this too."

"She'd better," Ashley quips, "Because I'm not sure I'm ready to be in charge of you bunch of clowns full time."

In truth, she can hardly believe she's in charge of them now. When the marine first met Shepard on Eden Prime, she'd pretty much resigned herself to spending her career in one dead-end posting after another. Even getting reassigned to the _Normandy _was an incredible break, and to be commanding it is beyond anything she'd ever imagined. There wasn't time to appreciate her shockingly rapid rise during the war, but now that it's over, it's starting to set in just how much her life has changed.

That doesn't mean she wants to keep this job. She loves the skipper like a big sister, and she fervently hopes that Shepard wakes up and takes her ship back. Still, for a grunt like her, even a moment commanding a ship like this is a hell of a moment.

Behind them, the lift doors open and Liara walks out carrying an old Alliance duffel bag of Shepard's. Hope and anxiety are mixed on her lovely face, but when she speaks, her voice is clear and strong. ""I just received word that the test shuttle has made it through safely," she tells the assembled crew. "Shepard is waiting for us."

* * *

><p><strong>More of the night Liara is reminiscing about can be found in chapter 8 of The Other Side.<strong>


	5. Room 217

**So, this is a mixture of the original version of this chapter, some new material, and a bit adapted from Chapter 13 of By Night. I hope you think it came out well.**

* * *

><p>"Well, that wasn't too bad."<p>

Liara just nods at James' observation. To her, the jump to Earth felt slightly more stomach-churning than usual, but the asari suspects that was just a reflection of her jangled nerves. It doesn't matter. The relay worked. They're back.

On the shuttles' other bench, Ashley clasps the _Normandy_'s best engineer on the knee. "Great work, Tali. The whole team did great work." Behind her face plate, Liara can almost see the quarian beaming as Ashley raises Samantha Traynor on the comm-link. "Sam, tell Joker to open up the shuttle bay door and let the _Pasteur_ know we'll be arriving in a few minutes."

The specialist confirms the order and as Ashley closes the link, Garrus asks, "So where exactly are we going?"

"Room 217," Doctor Chakwas tells the turian. "Shepard's room is near their docking bay, for convenience, I suspect. The commander has apparently had quite a lot of visitors these past few weeks."

"I'm glad to hear it," Liara says quietly, pulling up a map of the ship on her omni-tool so she can confirm the route. "It's good that she wasn't alone again." On Ilos and the Collector Base at least, there'd been others there to help her lover, but on the Alliance base in the Bahak system, in the depths of Despoina's oceans, and at last on the Citadel, the commander had been left to finish her missions by herself. Not any more, Liara vows.

Sensing her regrets, Garrus puts a taloned hand around the asari's shoulder. "It's not your fault you had to leave her," he tells Liara. "_Harbinger_ dropped a tank on your head."

The Shadow Broker sighs, her head sinking into her hands. Intellectually, she knows her friend is right, but it hasn't stopped guilt from nagging at her these past few weeks. "Thank you, Garrus," she says, but those are the last words she utters for a time. She's feeling too much to be in the mood for further conversation and as the rest the crew starts swapping stories of Shepard's exploits, Liara just keeps her eyes turned to the window, her eyes fixed on their destination.

Minute by minute, the _Pasteur_ grows larger and when, at last, they dock, Liara is the first one off of the shuttle. When surprises her isn't so much what she sees there as what she doesn't. Miranda is supposed to be meeting them, but the previous resident of the asari's office is nowhere to be seen, only the standard Alliance personnel present in the hanger.

Liara turns to one of the technicians busy at work securing their shuttle. "Where is Miranda Lawson?"

"Not sure," the stocky, red-headed human responds as he attaches the mag clamps. "Heard there was some commotion in Shepard's room, so maybe she's there."

That's all Liara needs to hear. Even while her crewmates begin interrogating the technician for more information, the asari breaks into a run, slinging the duffel bag over her shoulder and dashing through the corridors of the medical frigate. All around her, there's a buzz of activity, and while that's not exactly surprising on a medical ship in the aftermath of a great battle, Liara can tell that this is more than that. Something has happened.

A cold fear fills the asari as she runs through metal halls filled with harsh florescent light. What could have delayed Miranda? Could Ashara have taken a turn for the worst? Could Liara have come all this way only to find that… No, she won't let herself think that way. Shepard is strong, she wouldn't just die like this.

Her courage starts to fail when she reaches the doorway of Room 217. There's a cluster of people huddled around the bed at the center of the room, their voices blending into a single, indistinct sound that the asari can barely hear over the pounding of her own heart. Liara opens her mouth to ask the doctors a question, but before she can, some of them turn around, their attention drawn by the sound of her footsteps, and at last, the asari can see what's behind them: Ashara Shepard, sitting up in bed. Her commander looks pale and tired in her thin white hospital gown, but her light green eyes are open, and when she sees the asari, her whole face breaks into a warm smile.

"Ashara!" Her terror turning to overwhelming joy, Liara drops the duffel bag, knocking aside the doctors as she rushes to her bondmate's bedside. Her throat catches, words failing her as she tries to speak. "I thought… they said that you had not, that you were…"

Shepard's voice is half a whisper when she replies simply, "I heard you were coming."

* * *

><p>Earlier That Day:<p>

She's been drifting, though she's not sure for how long. Days, weeks, months; it doesn't really matter where she is. Unlike before, she can tell its somewhere warm and safe and that's enough. There's still pain, but it's dulled, far less than it was on the Citadel. Sometimes, she can make out voices, the sounds of people who're worried about her, but they're far away and Ashara Shepard is so very, very tired.

She knows that when she wakes, there'll be questions she's not ready to answer yet. She held the fate of every living thing in the galaxy in her hands, and if she's still not sure of the choice she made in that moment, how can she make everyone else understand? Some corner of her dreaming mind realizes that some day, she'll have to face it, but for now, it's so much easier to just rest.

And then she hears the one word that shakes her from her stupor. _Normandy_. She strains to listen, trying to force her scattered thoughts together. She can only make out fragments of the conversation: "Relay repairs… How many visitors… 1430 hours…" but they're enough. Her ship is returning. Liara is coming back and that means she has to as well. Long ago, she made a promise that she'd fight with everything she had to return to her bondmate, and whatever she's feeling, whatever she has to deal with, it's a vow she intends to keep.

* * *

><p>Her pale green eyes flutter open and as the catalogue of her injuries comes rushing back to her, Ashara lets out a groan. Her ribs ache, her once-burnt leg is still tender, and her head feels like a krogan's been playing volleyball with it, but she's awake and as soon as someone notices that fact, it's pandemonium. Several people in white coats rush into the room, all of them talking at once, and for the first few seconds, she's too groggy to figure out what they're saying.<p>

Soon enough though, things comes into focus. A familiar voice snaps, "Quiet," and as the rest of the doctors and nurses part for the speaker, her identity becomes evident. Miranda Lawson may be a bit short on sleep and her trademark cat suit has been replaced with an Alliance uniform and a doctor's white coat, but whatever her clothes, she's a welcome sight amidst the chaos.

"Shepard," the operative begins, her smile considerably more enthusiastic than the ones the Spectre is used to seeing on her friend's face, "It's good you're awake. How do you feel?"

"Shitty," she chokes out. Her throat feels like its been scrapped raw and one of the nurses hands her a cup of water that she eagerly gulps down. "But I'll live."

"Evidently." Miranda laughs a rare laugh. "It seems the galaxy can't get rid of you, commander, no matter how hard it tries."

Shepard swallows, fighting down a fresh wave of pain spreading from her throat. Every word the Spectre speaks is taking a toll on her, but there are things she has to know before she can rest. "Heard… _Normandy_ coming. Is Liara there?" The last time she saw her bondmate, the asari was being evacuated onto the ship, injured during their last push to the beam. Ever since, Ashara's been operating under the assumption that she was safe there, but she suddenly realizes that's not necessarily the case.

Miranda's smile doesn't break though, her words soothing the anxiety the commander feels. "She is. She's fine. The whole ship is, except that…" The operative pauses before adding, "I don't know if you realize this, but when you fired the Crucible, there was some damage done to the Mass Relays. They're being repaired though, and if all goes well, the _Normandy_ can jump back to Earth very soon."

The commander lets out a sigh of relief. Liara will be here. And Ashley, and Garrus, and Tali, and the rest of her crew, all her friends and comrades. In spite of the pain in her body and the doubts in her mind, Shepard manages to return Miranda's smile. She isn't alone.

* * *

><p>The Present:<p>

As Liara climbs onto the bed next to her lover, she hears Miranda's voice crisply slicing through the commotion the asari's arrival has created, telling the doctors, "Let's give them some space, shall we."

The Shadow Broker barely notices as the room clears out, her attention focused entirely on Ashara. She falls into the Spectre's arms, Shepard's embrace weak but urgent, and Liara can feel her own tears of joy warm their cheeks as she covers her bondmate's face in soft kisses. Ashara's lips move to meet hers, and she trembles at even the light contact. It's too much, this last miracle she's been granted, and Liara can't find a way to say why she needs to.

Not with words, anyway. She whispers, "Join with me," and Ashara silently responds, relaxing her mind to let Liara in. The asari knows her own emotions are raw and unfiltered, worry and relief, grief and happiness all mixing together, and the only thing she can think to send is, "I missed you so much."

"I'm so sorry I put you though this, Liara," Ashara apologizes, and the asari can feel same kind of chaos in her lover's mind, a happiness to match her own present there but warring with pain and so much regret. "Please forgive me, I, I didn't mean to do it to you again…"

"It is all right, love," she reassures her bondmate, "How could I be angry? Look at what you accomplished. You saved us all."

As those words, and the love and pride that accompany them, echo across the bond, Liara feels a powerful sense of relief in her commander's mind. Shepard needed her reassurance even more than the asari realized, and she deepens the bond, trying to uncover what could have shaken the Spectre so badly.

Flashes of memory run through her mind as she dives through the layers of Ashara's recent past : Her bondmate waking up on-board the _Pasteur_; the last of Shepard's strength pouring into a biotic blast that knocks aside the rubble covering her; the commander, bleeding and exhausted, aiming her pistol at a power conduit…

"Stop. Please." Ashara's voice yanks Liara out of the memories, something close to panic in her lover's mind.

Liara pulls back, letting the threads of the past drop away. "I'm sorry. I only wanted to see what's wrong…"

"I know." She can feel that Shepard isn't upset with her, just ragged and tired. "I just… I can't show you," the commander tries to explain. "I can't go back there. Not yet."

"It's all right. I can wait as long as you need me to, Ashara. I only wish I'd been there," she adds, her own guilt hard to keep hidden in the joining. "Whatever happened, you shouldn't have had to face without me."

"I didn't," the Spectre tells her gently, that comforting strength Liara had first been drawn to three years ago coming back to the fore. "Even though you weren't on the Citadel, you were still with me. You brought me back."

She's not sure what to say to that, but Ashara doesn't seem to need more words anyway. Liara just wraps her arms around her bondmate, letting the meld and the feel of their bodies pressed together remind them that this is real. Somehow, after all they've been through, they're together again.

Liara's not sure how much time they spend that way, but eventually, she feels Ashara's strength start to ebb on the other side of the bond, the fatigue that their reunion had banished for a time returning. Slowly and reluctantly, the asari starts to unwind their minds, but Shepard protests, "I'm okay. You don't have to go."

"Ashara," she sends, trying to keep her thoughts light, "You should know better than to try and deceive the Shadow Broker. Especially when she is inside your mind. You need to rest."

"All right," the commander agrees, knowing that Liara's right, "I'll just sleep for a little while though. I love you and I don't want to leave you again for long."

"I love you as well, but do not worry; I'm not going anywhere. Finally, we have all the time we need."

She settles down in a chair next to her bondmate's bedside, and as Shepard slides back down onto the mattress, Liara takes one of the human's pale hands in her blue one, not willing to totally relinquish contact with the woman she's missed so much. Ashara drifts off to sleep quickly, and as her breathing becomes regular and deep, Liara can only thank the Goddess that, somehow, they've made it to this moment. She knows that there's still a hard road ahead of them. She's felt the pain and regret in her commander's mind, but at least now, whatever Shepard has to deal with, Liara can be there to face it with her.


	6. New Lives

Ashara may be fast asleep, but Liara is wide awake, her emotions still roiling from everything that's just happened. She's more grateful than she can begin to express for Shepard's recovery, and yet the pain and regret the asari saw in her bondmate's mind keep eating at her. These last few months, she's done the best she could to help Ashara, but she'd had so many responsibilities as the Shadow Broker, and her poor love's burdens had been so heavy. It was enough, she tries to tell herself. Whatever she did, it was enough to get Shepard through this alive, if only barely.

Trying to settle herself down, she reaches out to Ashara, running her fingers through her bondmate's dirty blonde hair and letting the human's physical presence comfort her. Shepard reflexively moves into her touch, her head pressing against Liara's palm, and the asari smiles. She'd never realized how much she could crave such small intimacies until she'd had them and lost them.

She doesn't keep track of how long goes by like that before the door opens and Miranda walks in. "Liara,' the operative says softly, careful not to wake Shepard. "I just wanted to check on our patient. Is everything okay?"

"It is, but we should let her sleep." Miranda nods, and reluctantly, Liara makes herself get up from her bondmate's bedside. She hates to leave, even if it's just for a few minutes while Ashara is sleeping, but there are things she has to see to.

Miranda follows her out into the corridor where a knot of people has gathered, the crew from the _Normandy_ and the medical staff all milling about. There'll be more visitors soon Liara knows, which is why it's important she says this now.

The crowd turns at her appearance, Tali the first to ask the question on all of their minds "How is she?"

"All right," Liara assures the quarian, "But she has been through an ordeal, and she will need your help.'

"Anything, Doc," Vega says without hesitation, the rest of the crew nodding or murmuring their agreement.

"In the next few days there will a great many people coming here to visit her," Liara explains, "And it's important that she not be overwhelmed. I'm sure she will want to see all of her friends, but everyone else needs to give her some time to recover."

"Got it," Garrus replies crisply. "Politicians and reporters trying to bother the commander will be shot."

"Or we could have Wrex eat them when he gets here," Tali chimes in.

"Seriously, Liara, we've got her back," Ashley promises the Shadow Broker. "God knows she's earned the break."

"I knew you would." Ashara has no living family but Liara cannot imagine a more loyal group of friends and that's something she suspects the commander will very much need in the days and weeks ahead.

As the rest of the crew elaborates on their plans to keep the inevitable hordes at bay, Liara turns back to the woman responsible for her love's medical care. "Miranda," she asks, "How long do you think will Shepard have to stay here? You told me on our last call that her physical recovery was progressing well."

"It has been," the operative agrees. "The implants we used as part of the Lazarus Project have been a major aid to her healing process, and her coma had the side benefit of forcing her to stay off her feet for a change. Now that she's up, there'll be new challenges getting back into shape, but Shepard told me she has the full range of feeling in her body, which is a great start. There are still neurological tests that will need to be run, and complications could arise, but hopefully, it will be a matter of days, not weeks."

Liara sighs with relief at Miranda's words. After the hurt she felt in her bondmate's mind, she feels that Ashara should really be back on her own ship and in her own bed. Certainly, there have to be will be follow-up care, but she knows Doctor Chakwas will be there to provide it. "Thank you, Miranda," she tells the operative, "There are not words enough for what you've done. You brought her back to me, again."

The operative only smiles at her. "It was my pleasure."

* * *

><p>When she wakes, Liara's there waiting for her, her bondmate's beautiful face smiling down at her as her eyes slowly open. "Hello, love. Did you sleep well?"<p>

"Mostly." She offers Liara the best smile she can manage as a smooth, blue hand brushes over her cheek. Her dreams have been troubled for months now, but they didn't wake her this time, so they couldn't have been too bad. "I really dropped off fast, didn't I? Not back in fighting shape yet, I guess."

She can see the beginnings of tears in Liara's blue eye when the asari responds. "It's all right, Ashara. There's no more fighting for you to do."

Shepard blinks as she tries to absorb the emotional weight of that statement. Intellectually, she knows Liara is right but in her gut it still feels unbelievable that she doesn't have another mission she has to prepare for. "Really," she jokes weakly, trying to cover how overwhelmed she feels, "No Reapers to destroy? Cerberus assassins to track down? Not even an evil clone to thwart?"

Liara bends down to kiss her on the forehead. "Not a one. There is nothing you need to do but get better. Although if you're feeling up to it, there are some people here to see you." Her bondmate must see her anxiety spike at that statement because she adds, "Do not worry. It is only your friends."

Ashara nods. She's glad to hear it; right now, she isn't up for accolades or questions. "Will you stay with me?"

"Of course."

Liara nods in the direction of the door before sitting down in the chair by her bed, and it opens, admitting Garrus and Tali. Shepard can't help but smile to see her old friends holding hands; after all they've been through, they deserve any piece of happiness they can get. "Hey, you two. You look good."

"We're just so glad to see you," Tali replies brightly. "All that time no one heard from you, we were all so worried."

"I was just taking a little nap up there on the Citadel," she laughs. It doesn't hurt so much to do that now, her throat almost all right.

"Yeah, well, I'd find a new spot to sleep in," Garrus quips. "You look almost as bad as that station does."

She smiles, enjoying the camaraderie. "Gee, thanks, Garrus. You really know how to make your commander feel good about herself after a near-death experience."

"Just returning the honesty," he tells her, reminding the Spectre of her own jests after her friend barely survived the mercenary attack on Omega.

"Well, at least I'll get better. Ugly, you can't fix."

"I still do all right with the ladies." Tali gives him what Ashara assumes is a disapproving look from under her helmet and he corrects himself. "At least this lady."

Shepard grins at their banter. "So, what's next for you guys now that it's all over?"

"What do you mean?", Garrus asks, "You throwing us off the ship now that you don't need us anymore?"

"Of course not. I just thought you might want to do something else for a while. Have you thought about going back to Rannoch? It's going to be a hell of a project, resettling the quarians there."

"I know but…" Tali pauses, clearly unhappy about what's happening with her people. "Ever since we took back the homeworld, a lot of the Flotilla has been so pleased with themselves. We made a terrible mistake attacking the Geth when we did, and we're just lucky we survived at all. We shouldn't forget that. Besides, Legion was my friend. I can't celebrate what happened to him."

A spike of regret jabs at the commander's gut as she remembers that day on Rannoch. The Geth didn't deserve what she let the quarians do to them, but neither could she have allowed them to exterminate the quarians, especially not after they'd sol themselves to the Reapers. It had been a horrible cluster-fuck, and she understands entirely how Tali feels.

Sitting next to her, Liara seems to sense her distress. The asari had just been holding her hand and listening to the conversation but now she squeezes Ashara a little tighter in reassurance, and offers, "Perhaps Palaven then. I'm sure the turians will need all the help they can get rebuilding as well."

"Maybe," Garrus agrees before adding ruefully, "I'm sure everybody will."

Ashley comes in next, the brunette Spectre somehow seeming older than the last time Shepard saw her. It's not a bad thing though, more like a greater maturity, and Ashara gives her friend an approving smile. "Hey, Ash. Miranda tells me you've been looking after my ship while I was gone."

"Just keeping your chair warm, skipper. Everything's still where you left it, more or less." She looks slightly abashed. "There was a crash."

"You did more than just hold down the fort," Shepard tells her fellow marine. "You got them back home. Thank you."

"It wasn't just me," Ashley protests. "Everybody really pulled together on this one, especially when we heard you were here waiting for us."

"Well, then I'm proud of all of you."

"What about you? You should hear the stories they're telling about you out there, skipper. Half the fleets thinks you're a hero, and the other half think you're a damn goddess."

She sighs. She knew this was coming. "I'm not. I'm just a soldier who did the best she could."

"You are too modest," Liara disagrees. "I know you feel as if you should have saved more people, but what you did was incredible."

"You might as well get used to it," Ashley adds, her tone somewhere between admiring and sympathetic. "From here on out, as far as most people are concerned, you're the legendary Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy."

"You're probably right," Ashara concedes, "Just promise me you won't be one of them. Somebody has to keep me grounded."

"Just as long as you let me take the _Normandy_ out once it a while," Ashley offers. "She really is one hell of a ship."

"There's one thing, at least, I think the whole galaxy can agree on."

* * *

><p>"So, what's it say?"<p>

Ashara tries to restrain the eagerness in her voice as Miranda looks at the readout on the screen in front of her.

"Nothing bad," Miranda assures her. "Your brain remains somewhat mysterious, but the scans are similar enough to the previous few tests that I seriously doubt you're about to lapse back into a coma."

"Glad to hear it. So are you going to let me out of here now or do I have to get Garrus and Grunt to help me stage a jail-break tonight?"

"Really, have the last three days really been so bad?"

"Nah," Ashara concedes, "I really do appreciate everything you've done, Miranda, looking after me and keeping the mob at bay. I know I'll have to talk to them eventually, but I'm just not up for it yet."

"Everyone understands, Shepard. Honestly, you should have seen Jack this morning. I thought she was about to throw Councilor Sparatus out of an airlock when he insisted on being allowed in. She is surprisingly loyal to you."

"I think that's the first nice thing I've ever heard you say about Jack," Shepard quips.

"Well, I wouldn't get accustomed to it if I were you," Miranda says coolly. "But in response to your question, while I'd prefer to keep you a few more days for observation, I've been convinced it will be good for your mental state to return home." She looks at Liara as she says that and Ashara's bondmate smiles appreciatively back. "You have to take it easy, though. No more running off to save the galaxy for a while."

"All right," she tells the operative, "No more suicide missions. I promise."

"I intend to hold you to that," Liara informs her. The asari's voice is gentle but determined, and Ashara suspects Miranda would be the least of her worries if she wanted to get back into the field any time soon.

"In that case," Miranda tells her, "I will leave you in Liara's capable hands. Shall I get a shuttle ready to take you two back to the _Normandy_?"

"Sure, although I think I could use a shower first. After all this time in bed, I feel pretty disgusting."

"You look beautiful, love," Liara insists, kissing her cheek while Miranda sends a message to the shuttle bay to arrange their ride.

"You might be biased," she laughs. "Don't worry, I won't be too long."

Liara offers her a hand up and Ashara takes it, letting the asari help her to her feet. She's been out of a bed a couple of times already, making sure everything still works, and she's ready for the slight shock of pain in her right leg when she puts weight on it. In spite of that though, once she's standing, she lets go of Liara. Pain is an old companion for the Spectre, and she needs to know what she can do on her own.

It's only a few short steps to the small bathroom next to her room, and once she's alone inside of it, Ashara strips off her pale blue hospital gown and plain grey underwear, examining herself in the mirror. What she sees there isn't so bad, certainly far better than when she first woke up on the Lazarus station. In spite of all the work Cerberus put into bringing her back, she hadn't been quite right at first. The facial scarring had been part of it, but her movements had also felt sluggish, her biotics far weaker than when she'd stopped Saren. In time, the scars had faded and she'd gotten her skills back to where they'd been, but it hadn't been easy.

By contrast, this isn't as serious. There's a scar on her abdomen, another, redder and longer, on her right leg, and some smaller fading cuts and scrapes around the rest of her body. Patches of her skin, especially on her torso, are a bit raw, still healing from the burns, and tender when she brushes her fingers over them. Despite that, she feels like herself, and Miranda assures her that the same technology that restored her face should take care of these new marks in time as well.

With a slight smile, she also notes that her dirty blonde hair, which during her time in the Alliance she had always kept just above her shoulders, is now down past them. It makes her look younger, she thinks, closer to the style she wore when she was a girl back on Mindoir. Maybe now she can afford the luxury of keeping it that way.

Stepping into the shower, she turns on the water, only flinching slightly as the heat makes contact with her skin. The feeling of the sweat and grime of the past weeks washing away is wonderful, and even though her leg keeps throbbing with the pressure she's putting on it, she just grips the shower rail, staying on her feet. She fought through a legion of security mechs minutes after coming back from the dead; she's not going to let a shower beat her now.

After she's done washing and drying off, she throws on the grey N-7 sweats Liara brought her and when she steps out of the bathroom, she finds the Shadow Broker waiting for her with a quick, gentle kiss. Liara extends a hand to her for support once more, but this time Shepard tries to wave her off.

"It's okay," she tells her lover. "I can manage on my own."

"I know." Liara offers the hand again. "But you do not have to."

Shepard takes her bondmate's hand, and together they walk through the medical frigate towards the shuttle that will bring them back to the _Normandy_. Some of the crew salute her as she goes by, and others just stare, an almost reverent look in their eyes that she tries her best to ignore. It's something she suspects she's going to be doing a lot from now on.

* * *

><p>As their shuttle departs the <em>Pasteur<em>, Ashara gets her first good look at the aftermath of the Reaper War's final battle. There are so many ships still there in the skies above Earth, most of them damaged and now in various states of repair, and as she watches them go by, the commander is torn between grief over the losses they took and relief that at least things are moving in the right direction at last.

"Are you all right, love," her bondmate asks. "You seem far away."

"Sorry, I was just looking at the fleet." She pauses before giving voice to the thought that's been building in her mind over the last few days. "I don't think I can go back to that, Liara. To being a soldier. I know what kind of shape things must be in and that the galaxy will still need me, but I'm tired of war."

"I know you are." Liara's voice is soft and a little sad, her bondmate sharing Ashara's weariness. "There are other ways you can help."

Liara's arms slide around her, and Shepard relaxes into her embrace. "I feel like I've been so many people already," she tells the asari. "A farm girl, a soldier, the Specter fighting the Reapers, and now I need to figure out a new life again."

"So do I," Liara reassures her, "But we will figure it out together, love."

Liara's words are soothing, reminding the commander that whatever comes next, she'll have someone to face it with, and she tilts her head up, catching the asari's lips for a long kiss. It begins relatively chaste, an expression of love more than passion, but as her tongue slides into her bondmate's mouth and Liara lets out a soft moan, Ashara feels desire bloom inside her. She wants the asari's skin against hers, wants the pleasure only her lover can bring her, wants the meld reminding her of the good they still have in spite of all that's been lost.

At last, she breaks the kiss and whispers, "I'm so glad you're here with me, Liara. You've been incredibly good to me these last few days, and when we get back home, I want to thank you properly."

Liara's brow crinkles adorably at that, even as her freckled face show a certain ambivalence. "Shepard, I… I want that too, very much. But you are not supposed to be pushing yourself."

Shepard wants to assure her lover that she's all right, but her body still aches from the walk to the shuttle and if Liara doesn't realize that now, she will if they join. "I know," she admits instead, a pleading note in her voice. "I'm not totally well yet. There's still pain. But I need this. I need you."

At her words, Liara relents, a soft smile coming to her lips. "All right, Ashara. But you don't have to worry about thanking me right now. Let me do most of the work this time."

Shepard kisses the asari again, more softly than before. "Okay. I can do that."

"After all," Liara adds, running her fingers affectionately through Shepard's slightly damp hair, "I think that saving the galaxy entitles you to a little special treatment."


	7. Alone at Last

The docking bay is empty when they disembark, most of the crew off taking some well-deserved leave. Shepard supposes she could have spread the word that she was coming back today, but she isn't ready for the speeches and the celebrations involved in a formal welcome. There'll be another time for that, she tells herself. This, right now, is for her and Liara.

While they make their way to the elevator, Ashara doesn't say anything at first. This ship was her home, both her refuge from the war and the place she fought it from, and as they walk, she just drinks in the feeling of being back. She doesn't break her silence until the elevator doors open, and she looks once more on her cabin. "Just how I left it," she tells her bondmate flatly, still finding her voice.

"I was here once to gather your things for you," Liara replies. The asari's voice is soft, the emotion of the moment obviously touching Shepard's bondmate as well. "But yes, it should be the same."

Ashara gives her lover the best seductive smile she can manage under the circumstances. "There's only one thing I really need to stay the same."

She turns, wrapping her arms around Liara for a kiss that the asari lets go on for a long, passionate moment before drawing back. "Are you sure you're well enough for this?"

"I am," Shepard assures her, touched by Liara's concern amidst her obvious desire. "It's been too long."

"I agree," the Shadow Broker purrs, doing her best to let go of her worries. "Now, let's get you more comfortable."

Her lover leads her across the room, pulling off Ashara's shoes for her once she lies down on her bed. It's more spacious and comfortable than the one in the hospital and after the strain of the walk back, she's definitely glad for it.

Once she's settled in, her head resting against her pillows, Liara bends down, giving the human a tender kiss before moving back to the foot of the bed. One by one, the asari undoes the buttons of her long white coat, her gaze never leaving Ashara as she does. When at last she slides the garment off of her now-bare shoulders, she moves on to her sleeveless top, boots, and finally pants, removing each with the same slow grace.

In spite of all the times she's seen Liara naked before, Ashara is still entranced. Buried under the rubble on the Citadel, the thought of her bondmate was what she'd held onto, and to be here now with her is incredible. Liara smiles down at Ashara, affection shining in her bright blue eyes, and if the Spectre didn't know better, she could almost believe that she was still on the ruined space station, her mind trapped in the best dream it could imagine.

* * *

><p>As she hooks her fingers through the waistband of her thin white panties and slips them down her legs, Liara can almost feel the heat of Ashara's stare on her bare skin. The first time her bondmate had seen her like this, before their mission to Ilos, Liara had been self-conscious about her nakedness, but the commander had been so gentle, reassuring her that she was beautiful and desirable, showing her how to do so many wonderful things that she'd never experienced before.<p>

Now, though, there's no unease, Liara relishing the desire she sees in Ashara's pale green eyes. Her bondmate has been through such trials, and the Shadow Broker wants so badly to take away even a little of her pain.

Laying down on the bed next to her lover, Liara caresses her cheek, giving Shepard another kiss before turning her attention to her sweats. Carefully, she slides both top and bottom off of the commander, uncovering her repaired body. There are fresh scars there, the skin paler than it was on their last night together, and Shepard says softly, "I know I've looked better."

"You are still my Ashara," she whispers back. No one but Liara calls her that, just like there's no one else that gets to see the commander this way: naked, vulnerable, wanting. "Nothing else matters."

The asari begins running her hands lightly over Shepard's skin, getting a feel for the new topography of her body. She avoids the places where it still seems tender, letting her bondmate's reactions guide her, and as her fingers slide underneath one of Ashara's breasts to cup the sensitive flesh there, the human sighs happily at her touch.

Reassured that she's bringing her love more pleasure than pain, Liara lowers her mouth to Shepard's other breast, her commander's body arching to meet her while her hands caress the asari's crest and bare back. As Liara sucks on the stiff nipple, Ashara moans and the Shadow Broker feels her own body flush with desire in response. She can't help but be turned on by Shepard's reactions, but in spite of them, she tries her best to keep her focus on her bondmate's needs.

Trailing light kisses down Shepard's stomach, the asari removes her plain black underwear, uncovering the last of her lover's skin. Already, it's glistening with Ashara's arousal, and Liara teases her love with her fingers, running them through her short, blonde hair before drawing back her folds to reveal the hard point of her clit. Shepard gasps when Liara strokes it, her back tensing with need, and the Shadow Broker bends down, replacing her fingers with the wet heat of her mouth.

As the rich taste and smell of her bondmate fill her senses, she's overwhelmed by how much she's missed this visceral connection and wanting more, she slides one hand up to Ashara's sex. The Spectre is soaking now, and first one and then two slim fingers move easily inside her, Liara stroking her commander's inner walls while her mouth keeps sucking on her clit.

"Yes, Liara," Shepard murmurs, her eyes half-closed as she loses herself in pleasure, "God, yes," and as the Spectre's hand grips her sensitive crest, Liara can feel her own clit throbbing almost painfully between her legs. She wants desperately to join with Ashara, to be as intimately bonded to her as possible, but she knows that if they do, the commander will sense how much Liara wants her touch, and she worries about putting undue strain on her still-fragile lover.

Pushing aside her own desires, she tries to bury herself in her bondmate's pleasure instead, savoring the needy moans and gasps she's drawing from Ashara. It took her practice to learn how, but even without the meld, she's able to keep her fingers and mouth in a steady rhythm and she can feel her ministrations pushing Shepard towards the brink. Even as her commander's clit twitches in the asari's mouth though, Ashara stops her.

Wait," Shepard pants hungrily, her fingers tensing around Liara's crest, "Let me touch you too."

Liara swallows hard. In spite of her worries about Ashara's condition, she's aching for her commander, and it's all she can do to protest, "I thought we agreed I would do the work this time."

"I know, but please let me do this for you. I want it so much."

Liara can't deny the need she hears in Shepard's voice, especially when she knows she's the only one her bondmate trusts enough to show it to. Mouthing a silent "Yes," the asari withdraws her fingers, turning herself around so Shepard can have better access to her body. The commander's hand slides between her legs, and as soon as it reaches her core, Liara shivers with the force of her response. She's beyond wet and even the simple feel of her lover's hand resting on her is enough to make her hips buck needily.

"Join with me," Ashara whispers hoarsely, and Liara needs no further encouragement, any chance of pretending she's not hopelessly turned on gone now. Her eyes darken and when she reaches out her thoughts, she finds the human completely receptive to her. Their minds meld, and at once, the power of Shepard's love washes over her. Hints of the pain she saw before are still there too but for now they're buried, covered by the passion her commander is feeling.

* * *

><p>When Liara touches her mind, Ashara takes in her bondmate's emotions as well. The asari's longing, her desire, and her deep, abiding love all flow through her, heightening her joy as Liara resumes her ministrations. The asari's wet tongue feels amazing, bathing her clit in warmth, but it's not enough for them now. A hunger for her lips to be on the asari as well echoes in their minds, and the commander turns so that her mouth can replace her hand.<p>

As she twists onto her side though, there's a sudden pull of pain and she feels concern spike in Liara's mind. "Love, are you all right? "

"Don't worry," she reassures he bondmate. "I'm tough, remember? We both need this."

Feeling the truth in Ashara's thoughts, Liara let her continue, and as Shepard's mouth makes contact with her lover's prominent clitoris, the rush of pleasure shared through the bond thrills the human. The Shadow Broker wants this so much, and the fact that she was willing to ignore that desire for her sake reminds Ashara just how loved she is.

The Spectre gasps as Liara's tongue darts over and between her folds and she slips her own tongue inside her lover, enjoying her warm, sweet taste. She's wanted this, exactly this, so badly ever since she woke up, and the reality of it is better than any dream. She can feel the ecstasy starting to crest within them, the pleasure she's giving and receiving merging together, building towards one perfect moment.

As Ashara returns her tongue to her lover's clit, Liara gently pulls the human's bud into her mouth, sucking on the head, and finally, it's too much. Her building orgasm erupts at last from within the commander, and she feels her partner tumble over the edge with her, their peaks shared in a long moment of pure bliss that extends into a series of delicious aftershocks. Their tongues continue to caress each other until their sensitized nerve endings can't take any more, until every last drop of pleasure has been pulled from their bodies and they're left utterly satisfied.

At last, the physical sensations slowly ebb, and the bond begins to dissolve along with them, the intensity too great to maintain forever. As it fades, Liara turns and crawls up alongside Ashara, kissing her tenderly on the lips. Their tastes mingle in a familiar combination, and when she sees the peaceful smile on her lover's face, the lingering pain in the commander's side instantly fades to nothing. "I love you so much," Shepard whispers at last, those five words the only ones she can think of in that moment.

"I love you too." There's a hint of old hurt in Liara's voice, even if it is overwhelmed by her current happiness. "I missed you every day you were gone."

"I came back," she tells Liara, reminding herself as much as her bondmate. "I'll always come back to you." She strokes the asari's crest tenderly as she adds, "Thank you for letting me do that. I know it was more than we planned."

Liara nuzzles the crook of Ashara's neck affectionately, kissing her sweaty skin. "As long as you're all right, I cannot object. You could tell it was what I wanted too."

"I'm fine," Shepard nods, "I feel wonderful," and she kisses her bondmate lightly on her forehead before sliding down into her waiting arms. The walk back and their lovemaking have sapped her still-limited strength, but for once, she doesn't fear what sleep might bring. For now, the pain of the past and the uncertainty of the future are the furthest things from her mind.


	8. The Choice

When Ashara finally wakes up, it's to the pleasant sensation of a hand running through her hair and she rolls over to see Liara sitting on the side of the bed, clad in a dark blue bathrobe that she's borrowed. Turning her head, the commander kisses her bondmate's palm before telling her, "I know, it's longer now."

"Mm, I'm not complaining," Liara purrs, tangling her fingers back in the blonde strands. "You know I enjoy your hair."

"Well, I guess I'll just have to keep it then," she tells Liara with a smile, but when she looks over at the clock, her face falls a bit. "Geez, it's already afternoon. I guess that really did tire me out."

Liara's hand brushes over her cheek, a hesitant note in her voice. "Should we not have, love?"

"Nah," she grins, rubbing Liara's arm reassuringly. "It was still completely worth it."

"I'm glad." Liara bends down and kisses her gently. "How are you feeling?"

"Getting better." She stills aches, but it's not that bad. Frankly, not having been shot, stabbed or bludgeoned in the last few days is a nice change of pace at this point. "What's that I smell?"

"While I was waiting for you to awaken, I had the mess send up some of your favorites; eggs and sausage along with some coffee. I told you saving the galaxy merited some pampering."

She rolls back over, snuggling up against the asari's body. "Aw, sex AND breakfast in bed. You really are good to me."

Liara brings over the tray containing Ashara's food from the nightstand before looping her arm around her bondmate. "Go on," she tells her. "It's all for you; I had something earlier." Shepard digs in eagerly. It's only ship food, but it's good by that standard and while she eats, Liara adds, "You did so much, my love; more than anyone else could have, and I'm going to make sure that you're properly rewarded for it."

"I couldn't have done it without you," the commander protests. "You should get something too."

"I have exactly what I want right here." Liara's voice is loving but forceful, reminding Ashara that she doesn't need to worry about her. When they'd first met, the archeologist's inexperience, her soft-spoken manner and occasional stuttering, combined with her having been found caught in a stasis trap, had all convinced Ashara that she needed the commander to protect her.

She'd underestimated her lover. When they faced the Shadow Broker, when Liara first deduced his identity and then brought down the storm that destroyed the yagh, Shepard had finally realized how strong the asari was. That strength proved to be the greatest gift the commander could've been given. In the war that followed, Liara had helped through her so much, and Ashara hopes that her bondmate can do that one more time.

* * *

><p>Watching the commander wolf down her food, Liara smiles, just soaking in the small luxury of being able to eat without worrying that they're about to be called away on another mission. Her good mood only deepens when Shepard begins reminiscing about a time the same meal had been served back on the old <em>Normandy<em>.

"So I think Wrex was hung over," she explains "But either way, he was late for breakfast and already cranky, so you can imagine it didn't make his mood any better when he got to the mess and the eggs and sausages were already gone."

"I know I was not there when this happened," Liara says wryly, "But I do find myself wondering what proportion of them you had eaten."

Her lover shrugs, giving the asari her best innocent expression. "Hey, using biotics makes you hungry. You know that. But anyway, all that was left for Wrex was this terrible oatmeal. Even for ship food, this stuff was bland, and after a couple of bites, he started grousing, going on about how there had to be something better to eat. The whole time, he kept looking at the poor cook, Corporal Gladstone, like it might be him on the menu if he didn't come up with a better idea."

"And Gladstone, he stared Wrex right in the eye and said 'Maybe I can whip up some krogan testicle surprise. That is, if you have any ingredients.' The way Wrex looked at him, there was an instant I was afraid I'd have to shoot that krogan bastard right there in the mess. Just then, though, he flashed that big, toothy grin of his and burst out laughing," Shepard recalls, chuckling at the memory. "Finished his damn oatmeal too!"

It's good, hearing the lightness in Ashara's laugh, but as the human polishes off her breakfast and lies back in Liara's arms, resting her head against the archeologist's chest, it vanishes once more.

"Liara," she says tentatively. "There's something I think I need to tell you."

"Of course, love. You know I'm always here to listen."

Shepard exhales, nestling further into her lover's chest. "I do. It's… it's about the Citadel. What happened there…"

The Citadel. Even since they were reunited, Liara's known that something terrible had transpired on that station, but she hasn't pressed, letting her bondmate take her time before telling the story. The commander is the strongest person she's ever met, and after all she survived, Liara doesn't know what could have happened up there to affect her like this. "If that's what you want," she assures her.

"What I want is to just be here with you and pretend that everything was as simple as we thought it was going to be," she sighs. "That I pushed a button, fired the Crucible, and bang, that was it for the Reapers."

Liara pulls her arms around her lover, trying to ease Ashara's pain. "Whatever it is that's weighing on you, love, let me carry it with you."

Her words break the dam and everything that happened after they'd been separated on Earth starts pouring out of the commander. "So after I left you on the _Normandy_, I headed back towards the beam," she begins. "Almost made it too before I got hit. Everything went white, and when I woke up, I was in really bad shape. Armor shot to shit, most of my weapons gone, amp damaged, too hurt to use my biotics, the whole nine yards. Somehow, I still took out the last Reaper troops in the way though and got to the beam."

"I came out the other side a few seconds later and when I got there, the Citadel was a total mess. There were bodies everywhere. Honestly, it didn't even look like the same place anymore. Anderson was up there too, but somewhere else, so we started trying to meet up."

"And did you?", Liara asks. She knows that both Anderson's body and that of the Illusive Man were found near where Ashara was rescued, but though there are more details, but she hasn't bothered looking into them, all of her time since they returned to Earth spent looking after her bondmate.

The commander's beautiful face looks pained as she replies, "Yeah, I found him all right, him and the Illusive Man in this weird control room. The Illusive Man was pretty much gone by then. His face was covered in this Reaper cybernetic shit, and he was ranting on about control, totally indoctrinated. Those implants, though, they let him control people, and he…" Her bondmate gulps as if the memory is physically hard for her to swallow. "He made me shoot Anderson, Liara. It was like my hand wasn't my hand. I could see myself pulling the trigger, but I couldn't stop it from happening."

Liara says nothing, letting Ashara get this story out of her but holding her closer until the pain subsides.

"After I fired," the Spectre explains, "He kept going on about his power, and while he was raving, somehow, I don't know, I managed to fight him. Just for an instant, I was free again and I got him. One good shot." She pauses, a distant look in her eyes. "It was too late for Anderson, though. I should have done more, should have gotten free sooner…"

"Oh, Ashara." She kisses away the tear falling down the Spectre's cheek. "You ask too much of yourself. You were half dead, and you still stopped the Illusive Man. That's enough."

The Spectre shakes her head. Liara knows it's hard for her lover to accept her limitations, and despite her reassurances, she knows that it will take time to move past the guilt. "Anyway," she continues, "I got the arms open and the Crucible docked, but then Hackett called and told me that it still wasn't working."

"I heard the recording," Liara tells her softly, thinking of the message that had nearly destroyed her hopes. "It… did not sound very good."

Ashara sighs. "It wasn't. I didn't know what was wrong, or how to fix it, but then, right after I lost the call, this lift triggered and took me somewhere else on the Citadel, the place where they found me. There was…" She runs her hands through her hair. "Do you remember the intelligence the Leviathans told us about?"

"The being that created the Reapers?"

"That's the one. It was there. It looked like this kid from Earth that I couldn't save, but it was the intelligence. It was the Catalyst too, apparently. It told me the same stuff the Leviathans had about synthetics and organics fighting, but it said that I had a choice of how to end it."

"A choice?" Until this moment, Liara could've guessed much of what her lover had told her, but now, she's confused.

"Of what to do with the Crucible."

"I don't understand. I thought it was supposed to destroy the Reapers. That's what it did, after all."

"That was one of the choices," Ashara nods. "The one I took. The Catalyst told me that I could destroy the Reapers, but there would be a cost. That the Mass Relays would be damaged, and that all synthetics would be destroyed."

"Oh, Goddess," Liara gasps before she can stop herself, "EDI…"

Ashara looks away, shame burning on her face. "I knew it would happen."

"What were the other choices?" Liara knows her bondmate wouldn't have destroyed EDI if there had been a good alternative, but she realizes she has no idea what they could have been.

Shepard shakes her head. "One was to take control of the Reapers. My body would've been destroyed, but my mind would've become their guiding intelligence."

In spite of herself, Liara gasps. Even knowing it didn't happen, the thought of her love becoming so inhuman is chilling, and Ashara feels her unease. The Spectre presses her face against Liara, reminding her that she's still here. "It wasn't something I considered," she assures the asari. "Nobody needs that kind of power, especially not someone who gave up their humanity."

"And then there was the third choice. The intelligence told me that I could sacrifice myself and the Crucible would use my life energy to merge all organic and synthetic life, to change everyone into a combination of the two. It said that that would end the conflict forever, and I… I don't know, a part of me wanted to believe that was the answer. After all the death, I wanted it to be over, to make sure the war wouldn't come back in any form."

Liara's voice is barely above a whisper as she says, "But you didn't do it." At last, she understands Ashara's anguish. The ramifications of the choice she'd been faced with are overwhelming, impossible to fully grasp even now. She can't imagine the burden they must have been for her bleeding, exhausted bondmate.

"No," Ashara replies, her own words equally soft. "I didn't. It's funny, but at that moment, I thought of the party on the Citadel, of you, and our friends, all the good, and bad, and just plain weird. Changing that, turning everyone into god knows what without their permission, it didn't feel right. I once told the Illusive Man I wouldn't sacrifice the soul of our species to win the war, and I was afraid that's what synthesis would've meant."

"The Leviathans and the Catalyst, they'd both tried to find a perfect solution to their problems and it led to millions of years of horror. I didn't want to make the same mistake. Besides, I think the Catalyst was wrong that we'd always end up at war with synthetics. EDI is… was created from an insane VI merged with Reaper tech and programmed by Cerberus, but she still became our ally, our friend. And I…"

She squeezes her eyes shut, her grief clear, and along with it, her anger. "I wanted to make them pay, Liara. That was part of it too. The Reapers had done so much damage, and there had to be justice for everyone they'd killed. I knew what it would cost, but it still seemed like the right thing to do."

Shepard's pale green eyes open again, tears filling them now, and Liara tries to comfort her bondmate, "You did the right thing," she whispers. "The alternatives were not reasonable…"

The commander growls angrily, her frustration directed not at Liara but at the situation she'd been put in. "The damned thing of it is, I'll never be sure. There's no way to know what would've happened if I'd picked something else. What if I was wrong?" She pauses, turning away from the asari, her voice dropping once again. "And what if I rationalized? Maybe I did what I did so that I could have a chance to be with you again."

Liara tenderly wipes away her bondmate's tears, pulling her closer once more. "My beautiful love," the Shadow Broker says confidently, "I know you better than that. You would have put the mission first and done what was right, whatever it cost you. That's the woman I fell in love with, the woman you've always been. In the worst possible circumstances, you still made the choice that saved us all and didn't compromise who we are. That you came back to me may be the best bonus I can imagine, but I know it's not why you did it."

* * *

><p>Hearing those words from the woman she trusts more than anyone, Ashara let's go of a little of her pain. "I… I appreciate that, Liara. More than I can say."<p>

She can see Liara's eyes moistening as well, but her bondmate still smiles. "That you love me enough to even wonder if you put me before the whole galaxy means a great deal."

Shepard turns, tilting her neck to catch the asari's soft lips for a long slow kiss. "It's going to change now," she promises her bondmate. "I've had to put the job ahead of everything else for so long, but no more. Now, you come first. I've left you enough times already."

"I never blamed you," Liara replies through her tears. "There were times I had to do that too. When I saw you again on Ilium… After I became the Shadow Broker… Every time you left, I wanted so much to come with you."

"I know you did," the commander reassures her bondmate, "And I know why you couldn't. I mean, if you hadn't found the Crucible plans when you did, none of us would've made it."

"My wonderful Ashara," Liara purrs, "You do know how to make me feel special. And now, you'll always come first for me as well."

"Always, Liara." She wraps her arms around the asari's body, her lover's warmth a deeper comfort than she can say. The weight of that day on the Citadel may not be gone, but at least now, she's not carrying all of it.


	9. The Whole Truth

**This one is entirely new. It was mentioned that Shepard was not entirely open with the Alliance about what happened on the Citadel, but I thought this incident needed to be fleshed out.**

* * *

><p>"How do I look?"<p>

Liara smiles approvingly at her bondmate, giving her a light kiss on the cheek. "As dashing as ever, love."

Shepard frowns, clearly not so sure about the positive appraisal. "I don't know. It doesn't fit right."

It's the first time the commander has been back in uniform since returning to the _Normandy_ three days ago, and as Liara takes another look at her, she has to admit Ashara has a point. "You may have lost some weight in the hospital," she concedes, "But it's nothing to worry about. You'll put it back on."

Ashara pulls her in for another kiss and though Liara wants to let herself enjoy the little escape from the morning's cares, she can feel the tension in her commander's lips. Shepard has been anxious about today's meeting, and that means the asari is worrying along with her.

"I'm sure your debriefing will be fine," she reassures Ashara, stroking her long, lovely hair.

"Are we doing the right thing?", Shepard asks, her usually-strong voice filled with the uncertainty that's been plaguing her since the war ended. "Hiding what happened on the Citadel… I'm still not sure."

"I am," Liara tells her bondmate firmly. "The Catalyst told you nothing of significance that the leviathans had not already. The only thing that finding out about the choice you faced would do is encourage someone like the Illusive Man to try and recreate that power, to change us without our consent. It is done now; let it stay in the past where it belongs."

"And let your pain over the decision stay there as well, my beloved," Liara adds to herself. Though she believes Ashara did the right thing on the Citadel, there would be some who disagreed. There were always dissenters, especially with any choice of that magnitude, and Ashara was wracked with more than enough doubt and guilt without anyone else piling on.

"You know we can trust Hackett," Shepard notes. "He wouldn't give me a hard time over what I did."

"I agree. But he would make a report, and no matter how secret it was supposed to stay, such things have a way of getting out. No one knows that better than me."

"Well, I'll just have to trust the expert," Ashara says with a small smile, but Liara can hear the lingering doubt in her bondmate's voice. "What about the rest? You think it'll go okay?"

"I'm sure Admiral Hackett will be accommodating," Liara tells her lover. "You did save the galaxy several time, after all. You're entitled to make a few decisions about your own future."

Ashara nods, but she looks so weary, manifestly uneasy about her status as the Savior of the Galaxy. It wasn't always this way. Liara remembers after the Battle of the Citadel, when the Spectre was proud of what she'd accomplished, and it makes her heart ache. Shepard had achieved so much more this time, doing what a hundred cycles before them had failed to do, ending the Reaper threat forever, but the price had been so much higher as well.

The Spectre gives her a final kiss and turns to the door of the cabin, her gait still a bit awkward. Her physical woes are fading much faster than her emotional ones, but she's still hurting in both senses. She just needs time, Liara tells herself as she watches her bondmate leave. Time, and all the love Liara can give her. She's Commander Shepard after all. She can do this.

* * *

><p>Admiral Hackett stands as Shepard enters his office on-board the <em>Salamis<em>, saluting the commander before she can do the same. It's not exactly protocol, but she supposes it's also the kind of thing she's going to have to get used from now on. She holds up an apologetic hand. "You don't need to do that, Admiral."

"I think you've earned it, Shepard," he tells her. "After all the missions I sent you on, I'm just glad I can conduct this last debriefing in person."

"It's good to see you too, sir." She winces slightly as she settles into the chair on the other side of his desk, her side sending her a fresh shot of pain at the movement. "Sorry. I'm still not a hundred percent."

"We could've put this meeting off," he tells her. "There's no hurry."

"I know," she agrees, "But I wanted to get this squared away." There's so much swirling around in her head, everything that's behind her and everything she wants for the future, and she needs to start dealing with it before it crushes her.

"All right then." The admiral clears away some of the papers pilled high on his desk, the residue, no doubt, of the lingering mess her war has left behind, and picks up a data pad to take his notes with. "I suppose we should start with what happened to you on the Citadel after your last transmission cut out. We found you in a part of the station no one's ever been to before. How did you get there?"

"Some kind of lift," she tells him. "Honestly, some of the details are a bit fuzzy. I wasn't exactly at my best just then."

"Don't worry," he assures the Spectre. "Just tell me what you do remember."

"Like I said, there was a lift. Maybe the Crucible being docked triggered it, I'm not sure, but it took me to the room where you found me. It was... I don't know, I think it was the place where the Crucible and the Citadel came together. There was some kind of sophisticated holographic interface that explained the basic mechanics to me."

In a way, what she's saying is the truth, even if it's incomplete. The Catalyst had given her the choices she faced and told her what she would have to do to make them happen. She's wondered since then why it would do that, why it would help her put an end to it's horrifying cycle of harvests, and the best theory she's been able to come up with is that it was compelled to do so. The AI told her that it had been changed by the Crucible, and presumably helping her had been part of that change.

"The Crucible was on," she continued, "But the energy was stuck somehow, not being discharged the way it was supposed to. I'm no engineer, but there was this power conduit that the interface said was the key, so I, uh, executed a marine manual override on it."

"I'm not sure I'm familiar with that term."

"Right," she laughs, "Navy man. I shot it, repeatedly. That did the trick, but unfortunately it also caused a hell of a backlash. I caught a certain amount of the blast, and after that, I don't remember anything else until I called for the pick-up."

"And the damage to the mass relays?"

"The interface mentioned it was going to happen, but under the circumstances, that wasn't exactly a deal breaker."

"I wouldn't think so, commander," Hackett agrees. "What about the destruction of other synthetics? The reports we've gotten from around the galaxy indicate that all of the most advanced AI research projects in existence were wiped out, including the one on your ship."

"I knew about that too." She sighs heavily. Compared to the galactic carnage her choice had put an end to, EDI's death was a small thing, but she's learned too many times that the small cuts can go very deep indeed. "But it does mean this is over. That intelligence that the leviathans told us about, the one who created the Reapers, should be gone too."

There are more questions after that, about the Illusive Man and Anderson, and once she answers them as best she can, the admiral asks, "So, what are your plans now, commander? I hate to ask any more after everything you've been through, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you the state the galaxy is still in. You're a symbol, hell, the symbol, of everything we accomplished and people still need that."

"I know, sir. And I can use the _Normandy_ to do rescue work, deliver relief supplies, get people back home, anything like that, but I'm telling you and the Council both: I'm done with major combat operations. I mean, if there are pirates or whatever that get in our way, we'll take care of them, but my crew and I have been through enough."

Hackett nods. "I understand."

"And one more thing," she adds. "I'll stay on as a Spectre until things start to get back to normal, but then I'm out. I need to find another life."

Maybe Hackett sees the weariness in her eyes, because he doesn't object. "If that's what you want," the old admiral tells her, "You've certainly earned it. I just wish I hadn't had to push you so hard to get the galaxy through this."

"We all did what we had to," Shepard tells the admiral. "I don't blame you."

* * *

><p>"How was the meeting?"<p>

Shepard smiles at Liara, a tired smile for sure, but one that has real relief in it as well. "Fine," she tells her bondmate, pulling her closer for a kiss hello. "It's done. A year, maybe two, and I'm leaving the Alliance and the Spectres for good. And until then, no more suicide missions, just like I promised you. I wish I could be out sooner, but…"

"It's wonderful," Liara assures her. The asari takes Ashara's hand and leads her to the bed, helping her down so that the commander can take the weight off of her injured leg. "I wouldn't ask you to step away while you're still needed. Your desire to help others is one of the things I love about you."

"Speaking of steps," the human tells her, "There's something I want to ask you. I know you've been pretty much living here since I got back, but I want to make it official. You could keep your office for work, but I'd love it if you moved in here with me. I know it's not a nice house somewhere peaceful but it's what I can offer right now, if you want it."

"Of course, love." Tears are welling up in the asari's eyes as she replies, but they're happy ones. "Of course I want that. More than I can say." Her hand brushes tenderly over the human's cheek and her bondmate turns to kiss her palm, her lips coaxing a purr from Liara's throat.

"I'm so glad," Ashara smiles, her own emotions cracking her voice. "I don't want to wake up any more without you."

"You won't have to." Liara runs her hands over her lover's shoulders, feeling the tension start to ease out of them at her touch. "Not as long as I have anything to say about it."

Ashara turns, taking the asari into her arms and lavishing small kisses on the scaled skin of her neck. "Thank you," she whispers, "For everything. I don't know how I'd get through any of this without you."

"There is no need. Although if you are so inclined," she adds, arching so that Ashara's mouth can move on to her throat, "Perhaps you can come up with something to help celebrate this milestone."

"Are you sure?", her bondmate asks, "I mean, you might get another nasty note from Miranda…" The operative had written Liara the day before, wanting to make sure her patient wasn't, as she put it, "Engaged in any overly strenuous activities." It was fairly clearly what she'd meant, and indeed, the couple hasn't made love again since that first day back on the _Normandy_, letting Shepard recover her strength.

"I am," she reassures Ashara. "I think that you need this more than the rest."

"What about you?", Shepard asks, starting to unbutton the information broker's dark purple shirt. "What do you need?"

"You," the asari whispers, "Only you."


	10. Restless

**This was originally a By Night chapter I adapted and expanded to better fit into the flow of the main story.**

* * *

><p>She wishes it comes as a surprise when she wakes up in a cold sweat but the only difference between this and most of her nights is that she doesn't remember the details of the nightmare, only its ending. A flash of light glimpsed through a ship window; just enough to let Ashara Shepard know which of the horrors from her past she'd been dreaming of.<p>

Gasping, she looks across the bed at the beautiful asari lying next to her and as she breathes in her lover's clean, warm scent, the Spectre's body starts to settle down. With a silent smile, the commander brushes her fingers lightly over the side of Liara's crest. Her bondmate doesn't wake at the contact, but she does turn slightly, leaning closer and purring.

Shepard kisses her bondmate gently on the forehead before rising from what is now their bed. As wonderful as it's been to spent every night by Liara's side, the asari's presence hasn't been enough to banish the memories of a war Ashara can still hardly believe is over. Still, the fact that she's not sleeping well is no reason for Liara to have to wake up in the middle of the night along with her. Not tonight anyway.

Her body is pretty much back to normal. It's been two weeks since she left the hospital, and five days since she was declared fit for active duty, and only small aches remain to remind the Spectre of yet another brush with death. If only her brain was the same… Shepard runs her hands over her face, trying to banish the residue of sleep along with the pain. She wishes she could be more together for Liara. The asari has her own share of regret and loss to deal with, and the commander should be focused on helping her instead of wrestling with her dreams night after night.

At least for right now, she doesn't feel like taking back up the fight and so she dresses quietly, careful not to wake her beloved as she slips into a pair of slacks and her N-7 sweatshirt and heads to the elevator. A shower can wait until the morning; right now, she needs to stretch her legs and hopefully clear her brain.

* * *

><p>Even though she's not on duty, the Spectre keeps her habit of heading to the command deck first, and when she arrives, Samantha's already there, still thumbing through the comm traffic despite the late hour. Most of the relays are back on line by now, bringing with them a never-ending series of requests for help cleaning up the misery the Reapers left behind. The <em>Normandy<em> is off to Palaven at the moment, delivering a load of medical supplies, but no matter their efforts, there's not nearly enough time or enough resources to fix all of it, not now, and not for a long time to come.

Sam's clearly feeling the burden too, her fatigue evident in the weary smile she gives Shepard. "I didn't expect to see you down here, Commander," she says. "I thought you weren't on duty until this afternoon."

"I'm not." She hopes she doesn't look as tired as she feels, though she suspects that's wishful thinking. "I just thought I'd check in and see how everyone's doing."

"It's all quiet down here, ma'am. Even Joker's asleep in his chair. I just got a report from Dekuuna, though. They're short on food and there've been fresh outbreaks of disease in the refugee camps. They were hoping you could do something for them."

Ashara sighs. The _Normandy_ had helped to evacuate some of the elcor from the path of the Reaper invasion, but the ones left behind suffered greatly. "I'll see what I can come up with."

Maybe she can get Hackett to spare some ships to help them. It feels better to be dispatching relief supplies than deploying troops, but it's still wearying. For the hundredth time, she curses the Catalyst. How in God's name did that thing think that this tidal wave of blood was the solution to anything? And if she had taken one of the other choices it offered, would it have changed anything? Would synthesized life-forms be suffering the same way? Would they even feel pain?

"What're you going to do when this is over, Sam?", the commander asks, trying to get her mind away from questions she'll never be able to answer. "When the state of emergency ends and the Alliance starts letting people muster out, are you going to stick around?"

"I don't think so." Sam looks slightly ashamed of her admission and before Shepard can reassure her, the specialist tries to explain. "I mean, being a part of this crew has been the most incredible thing I've ever done in my life but I'm no soldier. I joined the Alliance because they paid for my education. I expected to spend my time in a lab, not on the bridge of a warship."

"Well, you did a hell of a job, Sam, even if it wasn't what you signed up for. If not the Alliance, then what's next for the best comm specialist in the fleet?"

Samantha beams at the compliment. "The private sector, or at least what's left of it, probably. A nice, safe job putting my degree to use in a way that doesn't involve getting shot at seems like just what the doctor ordered."

Shepard pats the specialist on the back. "You've earned the break. No need to feel guilty about taking it. Besides, you're not going to be the only one leaving. It isn't public knowledge yet, but Liara and I are going to try and find someplace quiet to settle down when we things settle down."

"Thank you, Ma'am," she replies. "It's good to know that I'm not the only one who's had enough war to last her a lifetime."

"No," Ashara thinks to herself as she makes her way back to the lift, "You definitely aren't."

* * *

><p>Down in the gun battery, the commander is unsurprised to find Garrus awake as well. "Calibrating?", she asks with a laugh.<p>

"Hey, you never know," the turian offers. "The Crucible might've missed a Reaper or two and it never hurts to be prepared." He pauses for a moment and when Ashara gives him a skeptical look, he changes his tune. "All right, it's probably unnecessary, but this helps me to clear my head."

The commander raises an eyebrow suggestively. "What's distracting you? Thoughts of a certain quarian, perhaps?"

Garrus shakes his head. "Sadly, we've barely had time for much of that kind of distraction. Between the repairs to the _Normandy_ and you coming back to the land of the living, we've been pretty busy these last few weeks."

"As long as we're talking about my resurrection," she says playfully, "I heard you gave me up for dead."

If turians could blush, she's pretty sure Garrus would be bright crimson right about then, but her old friend settles for burying his face back in the targeting servers. "Did Liara rat me out?"

"Nope."

"Ashley? Doctor Chakwas?" Shepard doesn't react to either of the names. "Tali?" She smirks. "Really?", he asks incredulously. "My own girlfriend?"

"Oh, don't be too hard on her. You know she can't keep a secret."

"True enough," he concedes. "I guess I just couldn't believe you could really cheat death again." He looks up from his work. "You know, James argued it would've been a hell of a way to go out, blowing up the Reapers. Really one for the histories."

"It would've been." She takes a deep breath. "I almost didn't make it back."

"That's what Miranda said. The way she told it, you took a pretty epic amount of punishment. Reaper canons, exploding space stations… Even Wrex was impressed."

"It wasn't just the injuries," the Spectre admits. "I was…" She runs a hand through her hair, deciding on the best way to explain what she'd been feeling after she activated the Crucible. "I was so tired. Everyone had expected me to fix everything for so long."

"You expected it of yourself too."

"I did. But it wore me down, and when the Crucible finally fired and it was done, I just wanted to sleep. It wasn't the same thing as wanting to die, but I still almost couldn't find the strength to wake up again."

"You did though."

She nods. "For Liara. I put her through so much already. I couldn't leave her just because I had a few cuts and bruises."

"A few cuts and bruises?" Garrus laughs. "Well, whatever you want to call them, I'm just glad you made it. I mean, otherwise Liara probably would've become a recluse and I'd have ended up having to give the speech every Shepard Day?"

She raises her eyebrows incredulously. "Shepard Day?"

"You know it's coming. Statues, fireworks, pastries shaped like your head. And now you get to stick around and enjoy all of that."

As little as that idea appeals to her, the commander can't help but join in on his laughter. "You're probably right. Still, I think I made the right choice."

"Wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the, ah, victory celebrations?" he teases her.

"Something like that." She turns to go, but before she does, she adds, "You and Tali make sure that you find the time to do some celebrating of your own. We all have to remember that whatever it cost, we're still alive. If we lose that, then what the hell was the point of all of it?"

* * *

><p>It's nearing the start of the morning shift when Shepard finally makes it back to her cabin and when she undresses and crawls back under the covers, she finds Liara already half awake. "Ashara," the asari murmurs sleepily to her bondmate, "Where were you?"<p>

The Spectre kisses the back of her lover's shoulder blade. "I couldn't sleep. I was just making the rounds and checking on the crew."

Liara pulls herself together at the mention of Ashara's insomnia, sitting up in what is now their bed. "More bad dreams, love?"

"Yeah." Shepard shakes her head. "Virmire this time. Kaidan."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" There's a hurt behind her question, and Ashara feels a pang of guilt stab her at the sound.

"You seemed so peaceful and I didn't want to disturb you," she tells Liara defensively. "Besides," the commander adds before kissing her bondmate appreciatively, "You do more than enough for me already."

Liara returns the kiss, but when it ends, Ashara can still see a hint of irritation in her beautiful, blue eyes. "I appreciate the sentiment," the asari tells her, "But I want to help you with this. And…" Liara hesitates for a second, clearly reluctant to say what's bothering her, but in the end, she decides on honesty. "When you asked me to move in, you said that you didn't want to wake up without me anymore. You aren't the only one who feels that way, love. Sometimes, when I turn over and you're not there, there's a moment when I forget that you aren't…"

"I wasn't thinking." Ashara brushes away the beginnings of a tear from Liara's eye. "I'm so sorry about all of this. I promised you a new life, but instead I'm still being weighed down by the old one." She sighs. "I thought I was done with this shit. Years ago, after Mindoir, it was like this. The dreams, the guilt… It took me a long time, but I finally got past them, and for years, I believed that nothing could hurt me the same way again. Basic, first combat deployments, Elysium, none of it really phased me… I thought if I could deal with what happened to my family, I could handle anything. But this, the whole galaxy burning… I wasn't ready."

Liara's arms wrap around her, pulling her lover tight against her warm body. "No one was. No one could have been. I know it won't be fixed overnight, but we have time now. Just, please, stop blaming yourself for needing help and let me give it to you."

"You do help," Ashara protests once more, "So much. I don't know where I'd be without you."

"I can do a little more," Liara replies, and as her lips find the Spectre's neck, Ashara does her best to relax and enjoy the sensation. There'll be a new shift in the afternoon, and new problems to face after that, but at least for right now, she just wants to be here with her bondmate.


End file.
